Archives for category: mom

Have you ever seen the sign for a one-way street? Ever wondered what it would be like if you only took one-way streets and never a two-way? I have learned over the past 18 months, a lot of people only travel one-way streets. Some people travel two way streets and thank God for this because my daughter called!!! Yes, folks, that’s right, the Prodigal Daughter has returned and I keep driving to her and her to me! (A two-way street!)

It’s been a whirlwind of activity, stress, love, stress, new beginnings, stress and learning who my daughter is again! She’s great…she’s really great and I have learned not all told to me was exactly accurate, but that’s okay. Like I told her, communicating through others is NOT a relationship, only face to face and phone connections will heal us – and it is healing, and growing, and it’s wonderful. It’s a two-way street!

Her weddings plans at the church she was attending fell through, so my husband and I scrambled to find a venue, food, photographer, etc., and it was truly a beautiful event. The kids as my husband to perform the ceremony, and while hesitant at first, he accepted and truly made the day special, memorable and I read what he wrote often – not only to remind Olivia during difficult marital situations, but to remind myself of what a wonderful, Christian, loving man I have in my life.

But I digress and get off the subject of streets…there is so much to convey, relay, and rejoice about right now, and I have no clue where to begin, but I feel the one-way/two-way street is a beginning. It brought joy to my heart to hear Olivia had been following my blog and so she knew how I was feeling for some time. It would have been nice, I’ve told her, if she would have clued me in at all, so I could know what was on her mind, but we have the rest of my life to explore her thoughts and feelings. I have been told people read my bog and ask Olivia to interpret my feelings. That’s a one-way street – call ME if you want to know how I feel – my child cannot answer for me, as I cannot answer for her, but whatever, like I said, some cars only travel one-way streets.

I have been informed the book I gave my parents to read at our counseling session, that completely changed my life, was given to someone at their church to read and interpret for them. So much for my parents asking me why the book changed my life – how it changed my life – what I learned from reading it – how it grew me, saved me, comforted me. The man who read it doesn’t even know me, nor has he called to ask how, what, why, when about the book…again, there is a perfect example of a one-way street.

So, in the weeks leading to the wedding, we had many small side streets to travel, traffic lights that were only red and highways leading to nowhere – venue, food, photographers and several people dropped out of the wedding for their “Christian” values and morals. My husband and I kept telling the kids, “where is grace?” and explaining to them what we meant by grace. Olivia had some relatives that were supposed to participate in the wedding, but due to my attendance and participation, they dropped out of their duties and/or threatened not to come. My response was the same over and over again. “Olivia, I can, not attend your wedding if it is easier and less stressful to you and Nick”. Her response was the same x 100 “Mom, I want you there, if other people don’t want to come because of you, that’s their problem”. And so, we, not only hosted a wedding, but rejoiced in the union of Olivia and Nick. What gets me the most is the comment someone made to Olivia in the days before the wedding that went something to the effect of “your mom abandoned you and the entire family, it’ll be awkward to be with her”. SERIOUSLY? Thank you Olivia for setting THAT statement straight. I’m glad she had the guts to inform this person that she left me and that I was specifically told “not to contact anyone” in that particular person’s family.

Yes, I was completely overwhelmed the week of the wedding, but my husband I prayed every morning and every night and I had my family in Christ praying for us, the kids and the entire situation, and because of these prayers I knew, the day would be what the kids wanted it to be.

The day before the wedding, we didn’t have the bride, we had the groom and it was completely awesome. The morning of the wedding, my husband fixed him breakfast, we gave him a card, and were able to pray with him. As we were driving to the venue, I wondered how my daughter was feeling, and if she was nervous, we texted a bit, and when I arrived at the venue and found her, she was snippy, grumpy, jittery and looked at me and said “blah, blah, blah – just HUG me” and so I did.

My husband and I prayed the morning of the wedding the day would be exactly what the kids wanted it to be and I feel they did receive the wedding they wanted because at 9:15 p.m. on their wedding night they called from their hotel just to say “thank you” for their day. Of course, that made me cry because you want your daughter to have a beautiful wedding and I believe she did! And for gaining a son, I believe we gave him the best day possible too!

So, of course, at her wedding, I had to approach people first, of course no one would take a step towards me – some family members only gave me “the glare” (there’s the old one-way street again) and really, it’s fine. These people didn’t communicate one bit when Olivia was gone, so why worry with them now? The only people I cared about seeing were my parents, I said my “hi’s”, introduced my husband, and that’s that. I requested my table be set aside from others (mainly for their comfort, not mine), and Olivia agreed and we picked out my “family table” the night of rehearsal. I was surrounded by those who have walked with me through the darkest of times, rejoiced with me during my happy times, and it was such a joy to celebrate my daughter’s return and wedding with them – a beginning of new life for all of us…these people haven’t left my side through the good, the bad and the ugly. They do not judge, condemn, ignore, give books to others to read, question my motives, my sanity, or sit around and analyze me. They love, extend grace, show Christian love and help grow me. A beautiful, two-way street.

In the weeks since the wedding, the kids have been un-friended on Facebook (is this really a big deal, I think not…but…it still hurts at times…and fuels their anger), given ultimatums, been ignored, judged, and have shared their experiences over the past 18 months. It’s been stressful, relieving, insightful, sad, hurtful for them, and it’s hard to see them struggle with my past mistakes, their mistakes, being condemned for talking and forming a new relationship with me, and completely ignored by some. It’s good to know people sat around and discussed my mental state, my thoughts, my feelings, my mistakes, judged me, condemned me, discussed what type of counseling I needed and came to conclusions about my life, my life experiences, and how those experiences shaped me without asking me to participate. (You see the one-way street here?)

Am I surprised at any of this? Nope.
Am I shocked? Not really.
Am I hurt? Of course.
Does it really matter? Not in the way you would think.

The past 18 months have shown me who really cares and who will be there when the lights on the street turn dark. I’ve told the kids – don’t just keep those around who ride with you when you are happy and driving the freeway full of joy and no cares – remember the ones who traveled with you in the dark, dank, scary streets – those are the people who will cross every bridge with you.

Life isn’t perfect – I still have a bit of fear I will offend one of the kids and they will never be heard from again – but I have an understanding with myself – and it was given to me by God and that is this: God didn’t promise life would be perfect, He promised to walk with me through the storms – He promises to hold my hand and help guide my thoughts, words, and actions if I fully rely on Him. And, my husband tells me God has me first, he has me second, he has the kids third, so with that, and prayer – where can I go wrong?

So, I put my trust in those thoughts totally. I may offend the kids, (unintentionally – of course), I may make another mistake – but if I do, and they come to me and let me know, I can either fix it, apologize or both. Being in Christ isn’t a Sunday thing, not a volunteer here and there thing, a pick up my Bible and give it glance or two thing, it’s a daily thing, and knowing HE has me, and I have Him – well, that’s a two-way street with no exit ramp!

“Mary did you know?”  What a song.  Did Mary fully comprehend what God was telling her when He came to her and told her she would carry His son?  Did Mary fully comprehend all that Jesus would do when she was given the honor of carrying God’s son?  What exactly was the full conversation between God and Mary?  I know the Bible gives us glimpses, but I wonder sometimes if Mary said “seriously, God, you want me to carry a child who will die on a cross and suffer a horrible death to save the world?”  And God said, “Yes” and Mary said “okay”.
When you think of all Jesus did:  walked on water, healed the sick, raised the dead, made the blind to see, calmed storms with just the wave of a hand, walked in heaven with the angels…all that and so much more did Mary grasp this with all her might?  Did she feel somewhat scared, happy, overwhelmed???
I think about all this and my heart beats just a little faster…I don’t know if I could have listened to God tell me I would carry a child, watch him be persecuted, die on a cross and then rise again, just to save a sinner like me, I don’t know if I could answer as Mary did  “I am the Lord’s servant, may your word to me be fulfilled.”  (Luke 1:38 NIV)
So, then, Mary, being nine months pregnant, has to go traveling on the donkey to Bethlehem to give birth to this perfect human in a manger full of straw, animals, no midwife, no doctor, no family.  I can see myself now, telling Joseph, “are you out of your mind?  I am not riding a donkey through the cold and giving birth in a strange hotel!”   I’m sure she was scared, but did the comfort of knowing God was with her make everything lighter?  It certainly does lighten my burdens.
I think about the lyrics to “Breath of Heaven” where Mary asks if a wiser person should have taken her place, but Mary continues to believe and offers herself to God and just asks God help her be strong in His plan.  And what a plan He had!
I think about God’s plan for my own life and how I tried to live it on my own and do what I wanted to do instead of listening to the inner voice of God telling me, to let go and let Him.  I think about how I lived my way and nothing seemed to go “right”.  I think about how I gave my life to Him fully over the past year and how much better life goes when I simply let go and let Him lead my path.  I think about all the people, situations, and turmoil this past year has brought and then I think about how peaceful I have become since He rules every aspect of my life.  I see how people can’t seem to grasp this peace I have found and how I do not feel the need to explain myself anymore.  I don’t feel the need to explain, argue, bicker, or justify myself – because I know God has His plan, and my hope is found in Him.
I wonder if Mary felt the need to explain.  Joseph could have had her stoned to death, but he didn’t.  I wonder if Mary felt the stares and heard people talk behind her back, call her names, questioned her character, integrity, her heart.  When I think about all this, my problems don’t seem so big at all.  I haven’t been called to carry the son of God, all I’ve been called to do is live the way the Bible tells me too, to listen to God when He tells me to move, to love Him with all my heart…and I do.
For some reason this holiday season has found me focusing on Mary.  What she experienced, what she was thinking, how she had so much stacked against her yet remained strong.  I think about how, as a mother, you have to be strong so much for the sake of your children.  I think about how God must have thanked her immensely for being such a noble woman and remaining true to Him.   I think about my own life and what God has witnessed in my life.  I realize all the times I thought I was experiencing something alone, I truly wasn’t.  God was walking with me every step of the way.  He’s had my back, my pain, my joy, He was in the storm before it even began to rain in my life.  I cannot even begin to thank Him for enduring may pain and for giving me so much joy.  I think about Him giving His ONLY son for our love, and it overwhelms my heart.  I think of Mary and what she endured and I can only look upon her with a humble admiration.  She gave birth to the most precious gift I have ever been blessed with receiving.  I cannot – in good conscious – take this gift lightly.  Mother to mother – it’s being given a heart transplant and receiving the gift of life – everlasting life – and all I have to do is give her Son my heart, my life, my soul.  That’s a gift I will not return, will not take lightly.  I hope as you think about the people involved in the first Christmas you find someone you can identify with, someone you can relate, someone who touches your heart.  This year for me, it’s definitely Mary…my gift to her is to not dishonor her Son, to hold Him close to my heart, to love like He did, to be thankful for the sacrifice His family made, so I could take a breath.

Here we are, another year has come and gone, and even during the midst of a great stormy year, I have abundant blessings…had you asked me a year ago, if my life would change this much, I would have sad no, and would have said I was perfectly happy in my current state, but Olivia leaving and pushing me closer to God and out of my comfort zone has been the greatest blessing of all.  I found my voice, my heart, my purpose, and my life over the past year and for that, I am very thankful.

I have joined two groups at church and grew more in the past year than I have in the 47 years God has given me on this earth.  I am happier, have the ability to be more open and honest with my self and others, and have learned to lay all my secrets, shame, despair, and joy at the foot of the cross and move forward with life.

I have said goodbye to past hurts, let go of what I cannot change, and learned I am worthy of much more respect, compassion and love than I have ever let in and I am thoroughly ready to experience it full force.

I have talked about my first ex husband, abuse I suffered as a child, and learned others have walked the same path.  The stories may be different, but the outcome is the same – feelings of being unworthy and shamed – feelings of letting your spouse, your family and more important, God down.  I have learned there are other women and men out there who have suffered at the hands of loved ones, strangers, and the greatest enemy of all – ourselves.

I have learned it’s okay to have a prodigal child.  We are not given a handbook at the birth of our children and told how to deal with every situation in the perfect manner so as to not hurt our children with baggage from our pasts, and stressful situations we find ourselves in.  This knowledge, has helped me forgive my own parents for what I feel are their “mistakes” and move forward to only want to love them and spend whatever time they have on earth enjoying their presence if I can.

I have learned I do not have to stay in relationships that are “stuck” in what was and what could be – and be the only person working towards a goal of good communication, respect and commitment to a better future.

I have learned it is okay to stand up for myself and state what I do and do not like about my life.  I am within my rights as a human being to have my own opinions, thoughts, and wishes for my life.  I do not have to live for everyone else, I can live for me.

I have learned it’s okay to be a “Jesus freak” as I have recently been called.  He carried me through this past year and never left my side.  He spoke to me through friends and family and told me “I have you” and when I asked, He gave me answers to some of life’s toughest questions and gave me the strength to deal with the pain, the tears, and reconciled my heart to know “it’s okay to not be okay” at times.

I have learned when you are walking with those who truly love you, your pain becomes their pain, and in times of deepest sorrow, your pain is carried – by them – and when you are healing – you are able to help carry the pain of others.

I have learned there are people who will stick up for you when you are attacked and will fight for your dignity and honor.

I have learned sometimes people truly are put in your life for a season and it’s okay to let them go when the season has ended, wish them well, pray for their happiness and know you served a purpose for them too.

I have learned God doesn’t promise us life will be easy, He promises us when everything around us is falling, we are held.

I have been blessed, as I stated earlier, with several new friends and am enjoying celebrating their blessings – new babies, IVF treatments, job successes, pregnancies – the list is long and joyous.

I have been blessed with love – love from people I never imagined possible.  Love from the past, love with hope for a wonderful future, love with no conditions, no boundaries, no expectations or limitations, full of respect, compassion  – love as Christ intended love to be…

So as I face this thanksgiving season without my daughter, I have a lot to be thankful for – and I am so humbled and overwhelmed.  I will miss her face, her hugs and will miss watching Christmas Vacation after eating our Thanksgiving meal, but that is short-term – if I look to my blessings, I have a wonderful employer and his wife (my friend) who I will be spending the day with, I have love in my heart, I have a new house waiting for me to make it my home, I have friends who love me for me, and see Him in me, I have two dogs who touch my heart with their wagging tails, does the list end?  No, because in Christ  I have a brand new life waiting for me to embrace it – and I couldn’t be happier to have a peaceful heart, a humbled spirit, and a renewing of my life.  Blessings my friends…Romans 5:1-5…

Love really is a beautiful thing is not not?  And real, true love, isn’t that even better?  I just finished reading Chip Ingram’s Five Love Languages and certainly have a better understanding of myself now.  I am definitely an acts of service and words of affirmation kind of girl.  I didn’t realize this a few years ago, but this past year has been all about self-discovery.  My life hasn’t been ideal for a while, but over the past six months, I’ve definitely reached out, learned, explored and have a truly better understanding of myself and what I want out of life.

Oh, yes, I’ve been accused of several different things over the past few weeks, but as my counselor and I talked, those who can’t see me for me, are dealing with their own pain and and their own “junk” and if they blame me for their wrongs, well, then, that makes them feel better and I can live with that for I used to do the same thing – blame others for my shortcomings and the things that were wrong in my life, it helps short term and certainly allows you to be angry about things, but in the end, is being angry and blaming others really the way to go?  I would say not, but as a former angry blamer, I’ll allow the hurt to come my way.

As I said recently, I was told that I need to “suffer like Jesus did on the cross” for my sins and past transgressions.  That sentence made me realize I was dealing with people who want to stay in the past, want to dwell on my mistakes, my sins, my failures, okay, you stay there, as for me, I’m moving forward.  I’m letting go, I’m moving towards a better, positive beginning.

I’m in my own personal battle now, a fight to get my daughter back, a quest to make her life and mine better than it’s ever been and it started with me finally taking care of me.  It all started with me realizing first and foremost I am Child of the One True King and He loves me for me, and He will do anything to keep me in His life, including forgiving my sins and allowing me to move forward with my life.  In that quest, I have tried to let go of some relationships that I felt were dragging me down.  Evidently, they were because for the past two weeks, I have found myself sleeping sounder, losing more weight and feeling lighter in every aspect of my life.  I am laughing more, crying less and the people have told me I am glowing.  Now, knowing for sure I am not expecting a baby, and that’s what people usually say about expectant mothers, I am happy about this statement because I know I am truly happy.

I’ve also been accused of “ignoring”.  It really wasn’t an intentional ignore, it just sort of happened.  I realized if I reached out and talked, I would be drug into the same hole of blaming me for what went wrong, for moving forward, and for changing.  Okay, I realize it all, but I had to for me.  While I want to talk, and while I realize I need to listen to the “closure” some people need, it won’t change who I am now.  I can’t allow it to change me.  You see, all the relationships I have let go of were bad for me.  I was searching, loving, hoping, and resting in things that will never change – I was living in the past, and holding on to love in hope I would get something back, but then I realized, the love once there, wasn’t there anymore.  My expectations were too high and my need for “something more” was too expensive.  The price of the new me meant others hand to change and grow with me.  Others have to let go of their own “junk” and rest in the knowledge that we are all seeking for love that’s unobtainable here on earth – not if we continue to pursue love with those who are not found in Christ.  Only through Christ and learning what love, forgiveness, patience, faith, mercy and grace are – can we truly love.

And YES i realize all this sounds like I am Jesus Freak – and that’s okay, you can call me that.  I am not ashamed that I finally found what it was I was looking for – true forgiveness, grace, mercy and love that can ONLY be found in Him – no one on earth can grant that, and I finally realize that now – I was wishing for things on earth, that cannot be found here…I have found new friends who know about me and chose not to judge me, or persecute me.  They have taken me in, washed my sins away and shown me compassion, love and acceptance.  All the things everyone else says they do, but if they truly did, when I say the “past is the past and it needs to stay there and we need to move forward” they would say, yes, I agree, let’s move forward in the grace God grants us all…let me grow and change with you so our lives can be better and greater than they ever have been before.

I’ve been told people of my past love me and would do anything of me.  It’s funny, where were those people over the past 47 weeks?  Did they check on me weekly?  Did they ever call and say, Hey, I was thinking about you, let’s do lunch.  Let’s get coffee…let’s pray…nope, not a one, but I have found my new circle of friends and I support each other through prayer, texts, emails, and phone calls.  What’s a phone call you say?  It’s this thing were you call and speak to someone, and then if needed, you can pray at the end in support of that person’s life.

So, here I am on my quest to get Olivia back and to let her know that I love her, I accept her for her journey, I want to be a part of her life, a want to love her with this new found love that I know I can truly extend – no questions, no fear, no holding back.  But of course, this may not happen until she is out of the home she is living in now.  The people she is with now, well, they want to live in the past, they want to put me on the cross every time I talk to them, and that I just can’t do.  Jesus already died for my sins and paid my debt, it’s my job now to ask forgiveness, and move forward.  This is another group I have to let go of, I can’t allow myself to continue to be verbally beat up, because people can’t move forward…

I miss Olivia every day, I pray for her and her fiancé and I hope some day she will see me for me, and realize I am not the same mom she left.  I am stronger, more patient, more forgiving, less willing to let anyone walk all over me, ready to move forward in a life with Christ.

So here I sit, in my new home, looking across the woods – watching my friend outside with her kids – doing yard work, her husband on the riding lawn mower, dogs playing together – leaves falling from the trees and I am hoping and praying Olivia can hear my heart – I am hoping she can feel my prayers – I am keeping the faith she senses the love coming through the universe and whispering to her heart that I love her, I need her, I long to be with her…

So, I find myself angry.  There are those who say I need to start my anti-depressant again, but SURPRISE to all of you, I was angry before I stopped it, I’m sure others will wonder what I am angry about, I can list a few for you!

1.  My parents will not give me one hint as to what my daughter is doing, where she goes, if she is in school, if she is alive, what kind of car she drives, what her cell phone number is, and I can go on and on and on….on this one…

2.  My sister has been known to say she isn’t mad at me…REALLY – what would she have to be angry about?  Did I send her a nasty message on Christmas morning telling her “until you get the help you need I can no longer be a part of your life”?  Nope.  So, my dear readers, why is she entitled to NOT be mad at me?

3.  Evidently, my family – and I am including all family, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, except one cousin, spouse and one aunt and uncle – if you read this you know who you are because you actually speak to me and tell me that it will all be okay and you don’t understand it either…..for you four, I thank you and am deeply indebted to your compassion – however, the rest of my family is in denial about what a couple of 20 year olds have to say…thank you for never asking me my side, and by saying “I don’t want to be involved” well, when you listen to one side and not the other not only are you involved, and you have clearly chosen a side.

4.  I am tired of cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and doing nothing but work, work, work, work, work…thank goodness for a few close friends who see my exhaustion and the need to be emotionally recharged from time to time.  To you, my most precious girlfriends, I love you more than I can ever mention, and I thank you for your time you invest in me.  Your compassion and silent undertanding means the world to me.  I know you know who I’m talking about.

5.  I am angry because my efforts to reach out to my daughter are fruitless.  I can apologize, ask forgiveness, recognize her birthday, holidays, engagements, send cards, emails, presents, money, and it all goes unrecogized and certainly no mention of receipt is given…AND…if I ask my “parents” they can’t tell me anything because it would violate my daughters privacy.

6.  I am angry because I am being treated like I am a drug seeking, child beating, POS, prostitute that has never done anything to benefit her child.  And, those who believe her story and never seek me out to ask anything of me, think they are so right, when in all actuality, if we read our Bibles and seek God’s counsel, you will see they are clearly wrong.  But you can’t tell them that, because clearly they think they are without sin.  Good for them!

7.  I am upset because I have two diseases that are robbing me of my health, and cause daily pain, bloating, stomach issues, toilet issues and the only one who is taking pains to help is me.

8.  I am upset because I am rowing a boat by myself and all I really want is for someone else to pick up the oars and row for a while.  Would that really be so hard?

9.  I am angry because every parental mistake I’ve made has been raked over the coals of those who shouldn’t judge, and I have not been given the chance to plead guilty, or defend myself.  The charges, trial, verdict and sentence have all been made without the star witness.

10.  I am upset because I am tired of praying and being met with not an iota of a answered prayer.  I know, all in God’s time, and good things come to those who wait and God is working on it, He does all things for our good.  I would just appreciate one hint of an answer.

11.  I am upset because my daughter has gotten engaged and is planning a wedding without me.  Seriously, planning a wedding without me.  My relationship with my mom wasn’t all that great, but I still wanted her involved in every aspect of every important event of my life.  But my daughter’s hate for me right now is so huge, she will take her vows, someone else will walk her down the aisle, someone else will answer the question “who gives this woman”, somone else will light the candles, someone else will pull her veil over her face, someone else will give the toast, someone else will help her with dress, hand her the bouquet and watch her give her first kiss as a wife.

12.  I am upset that not one person has chosen to give her dose of reality, as I would if this was somoene’s child I know, and say, HEY, WAKE UP, you are slowly killing your mom, you will regret this some day, give her a chance to show you how her life has changed, give her a chance to be forgiven, give her a chance to show you anything, and remind her of the fact that I loved her first, I grew her, I birthed her, I prayed for her safety, her dreams, I sacrificed to make her happy, and I will, unlike my family, I will be here for her no matter what.  No matter what, even after all the pain I’ve been in because of her, I would welcome her home in a heart beat, I would take all her anger just to hear her voice, I would crawl through fire for her.

13.  I am angry because she made my worst nightmare come true.  She got mad, walked away and I know I’ll never see her again, and all the the faith in the world will not change that fact.

14.  I am angry that her fiance and his family claim to be such great Christians, yet they allow this distance to continue.

15.  I am angry because I am lonely.  I miss her.  I miss her so much, I ache sometimes.  What do you do without your child who is out there, missing, avoiding you, ignoring you, pretending you don’t exist, how does a mom deal with that?

16.  I am angry because what I thought would be the “friend” phase of our life is gone.  Just gone.

17.  I am angry because people don’t understand that family functions make me sad.  I don’t want to celebrate birthdays and holidays and children’s special moments, sporting events, graduations….does anyone understand how painful they are?  I used to do those things with my daughter, and now they are gone.  There is no time limit on this folks, I feel what I feel and I cannot fake happiness for you or anyone else, I have a hard time faking happiness for myself at times.

18.  I am upset with myself because if I found out some members of my family were deceased, I don’t know that I would care.  I recently talked to someone I am pretty close to about this, and she as has her own “issue” with a family member and she confided in me, she feels the same way.  Does this make us bad people?  I am not sure, but I think God sees the pain more than he sees the anger, and he understands.

19.  I am upset because my daughter now has a full-time job and didn’t have the courtesy to tell me hey, you can stop paying the amount you pay a month in health insurance, I have my own now.  She knows what a money struggle I have, she can’t even send telegram saying, Hey, save yourself some dough!

20.  I am upset because after all I’ve said above, I still just want my daughter to call me, write me, send me a note and say, hey, I’m alive, I love you, I’m just working through some things, but I recognize all you did for me…I know you did your best, I know you made mistakes, I know that!!  I love you mom…

That’s just to name a few things that have upset me, which is clearly just the human side of me.  The Christian side says, it will all be okay, you will see her again, you must continue to pray (1 Chronicles 16:11, Romans 8:26), you must continue to persevere (Proverbs 3:5-6, James 1:12), you must continue your journey and rest, reflect, repent and reconcile.  I feel like the little train that could, I think I can make it one more day, I think I can not cry one more tear, I think I can keep the faith (Luke 7:50).

So, I’m angry for the moment, and possibly having a pity party for myself, I think it’s okay, I think those who love me the most will understand.  My dogs certainly understand and I love them so much, they keep me sane these days, Harlie with her snuggling in bed and Jordyn with her never ending hugs.  I will get though this, I will wake up every day and keep going, I will rejoice  in the Lord during this time of trial because I know the path is set by him and I know his love is perfect and I know he is walking with me.

Like God has seen me take ownership for all my sins, mistakes, regrets, and repentance I want the chance to show my daughter.  But I realize she has to give me the chance.  I was thinking about our trip to the beach last year and how we laughed and sang and shared quiet moments….that was the best week ever for me…reminded me of our trip to Clifty Falls and our hikes in the woods, laying by the pool..such great memories for me…all of which she said were faked on her part.

I would love the chance to see her again and tell her again I love her, I’m sorry for my mistakes and would love the time to show her how my life and heart has changed.  But again, I’m not the one not reaching out.  There is no indication how long the prodigal son was gone, I wish I knew a time table, wish i knew the hour of her return, I wish i knew I wouldn’t be old, gray and on deaths door…time is so short, so precious….my anger has subsided while writing.  Now I’m melancholy.  I guess I’ll walk the dogs and enjoy the great outdoors…sunshine and the love of a dog…God’s warmth of the sun, and His unconditional love from a furry face….until later my friends I leave you with Psalm 51…

“…Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me…”

What is every mom’s dream for their daughter? What day does every mom look forward to with a taste that is bittersweet with their daughter?  You’re right, the wedding day…since the day my daughter was born I have been looking forward to the night she comes home to tell me she’s engaged, planning an engagement party, a bridal shower, shopping for wedding stuff, shoppping for her dress, flowers, invitations, and then the day I get to tell my daughter she looks incredibly beautiful and I am so proud of the wonderful woman she has become and how I wish her and her new husband all the best…I was looking forward to seeing his face as she walked down the isle….

It was recently brought to my attention my one and only child is getting married, October 3, 2015 to be exact and I will not be able to attend obviously since it has been 32 weeks now since I have seen or heard from her  I will not be able to enjoy any of the mother/daughter bridal stuff that is so incredibly precious.

My heart is broke in so many pieces at this time, I have no idea how to put it back together.

I’m assuming my parents will assume the role I had been looking forward too…I cannot even express how this makes me feel.

All the times we watched “Father of the Bride” together…I will cherish those memories…

So, they have registered and are picking out kitchen items, bathroom towels, a toaster, lamps…I so looked foward to this day and the excitement to be enjoyed because my daughter had found her perfect match.

I would have gushed over her ring and been so happy to congratulate my future son-in-law and welcome him to our small family.

I would have bought them some sort of a gift to celebrate the engagement and taken any amount of loan to make her wedding the days of her dreams.

I remember when we would watch “Four Weddings” or “Say Yes to the Dress” together, we would talk about the different weddings and dresses and the amount of money, food, desserts, all that…I totally enjoyed these moments, and now, that is what I’ll have to cherish – the moments where we dreamed about her wedding day.

Now, she is not a total girlie girl like me and the froo-froo of a wedding day didn’t excite her like it did me, but as a mom, this is the day you truly look forward too….your daughter’s wedding day and the birth of her children…I certainly hopes she finds her heart before that day happens!!

Yesterday, when I discovered her bridal registry I was pretty okay, I had felt this day would come and she would marry way to young – but I always thought we would have reconciled our relationship and I would be included.

Now, someone else will get to help her get her dress on, maybe pull the veil over her face, hand her the bouquet, and give her words of wisdom.  Someone else will take the seat of mother-of-the-bride and light the unity candle, watch her walk down the isle, hear her say her vows, and hear the minister announce “Mr. and Mrs….”  Someone else will watch her enjoy her reception, watch her cut the cake and maybe share a dance or two…someone else will pack the presents in the car and drop them off so they can be opened after the honeymoom and someone else will watch her get into her car and be whisked away for her honeymoon…someone else will come home to an empty nest without her and wish her to be a baby again…but no matter how sad I am today, no matter what pain I feel and the tears that fall, there is hope in front of me, there is hand still holding me, and that is the hand of Jesus….he never lets go, and he will continue to walk the dark and the broken places, there is still hope in front of me, and maybe someone, just someone will come for me.