Last night I was able to attend a Women’s Christmas Tea at church the men served us all dressed in black pants and white shirts and it’s the first time in a long time this lady had someone waiting on her.  I ate before I went however since the Celiac disease keeps me from really participating in meals…but the atmosphere and the conversation before hand was great.  My new friend from DC and I sat together and her husband was working different tables, but as we sat and watched, she told me a little about her insecurities when they first met and how her story effects her relationships now.  Which was very sweet because I am currently struggling with knowing I am loved…maybe I should say, I am worthy of love…it’s a daily struggle for me, and I remind myself constantly, I am worthy…

I then had an opportunity to explore the relationships I’ve had in the past and talked to her about how if people are really nice to me, I have a problem because I don’t know nice for the sake of nice…I look at good people in my life and wonder “why did God place them here, what do they want and when will they leave”…she asked me “why wouldn’t He?”  We then talked about self worth and how differently we look at things because of our past…I’m used to abuse and negativity, so positive affirmations seem quite odd to me for the moment, then I got to thinking about this song, one of my other friends loves “He knows my name” by Francesca Battistelli, then it hit me!  DUH, why am I not allowing myself the good?  My normal isn’t good, that’s why…but over the past few months I’ve worked really hard to change my normal, so why not keep embracing it?  I lose sight of all the good when I let my past creep into my present and if I keep doing that I’ll ruin my future.

Another DC friend answered my very long email and suggested that by ignoring my family and choosing to be silent, I am actually allowing myself to heal even more and to keep forgiving and keeping the anger that may creep in at bay.  That’s being more Christian and helpful then allowing myself to keep begging for the kind of relationship I long for with them they are not capable of at the time.

I had to let this simmer for a bit, and took myself for a pedicure and manicure…read a little bit of the Bible (I always go to Romans for comfort) and thought about my friend asking me if I wanted her to stand with me when the speaker last night called for those with broken relationships to stand…I truly didn’t want to stand, but her encouragement and smile said “it’s all going to be okay – I am here with you”…and she was right, standing and showing the room full of other women that I too have a broken heart, a broken relationship, a heart that is healing and resting in the arms of our Savior, well, it was another step towards healing.

I’ve handled so much of my life on my own because it was “too much trouble” for anyone to lock arms, or “I have no clue what you’re going through” so I’m just going to “remove myself from this problem and ignore it and not mention it and it will somehow go away”…well, that doesn’t happen.  All that does is build resentment toward people and makes you feel like people don’t really care about what you’re going through.

For those I’ve ever done that too, I’m sorry.  I truly care about your problems and your sadness so please forgive me my trespass…

Then on the way to my favorite coffee shop with one of my favorite people EVER, I saw my daughter’s BFF – or who used to be her BFF, I have no idea if they are still friends or not and I have to tell you, she did not look so good, and it was an awkward conversation, I’m sure she was thinking (after all I’ve HEARD my daughter has supposed said) why is this crazy lady talking to me…but I embraced it and hopefully she has told my daughter I saw her and I looked happy…because I am…

and I’m totally getting off track here too…ooppss!!

So then the speaking started talking about our story…who is the author, what’s the beginning, who are the characters, how does it end?  My story begins and ends with Jesus…He created me, He perfected me, He saw the strength He would instill in me to survive child abuse, abusive marriages, my daughter running away…He gave me the brain to think about what’s right and wrong and what steps I need to take to make life better…He has given me the hope if I remain in Him and He remains in me I can conquer any giant that comes my way…and I am ready to do so…so I’m definitely letting go, AGAIN, of past mistakes and negativity in my head and I know it’ll be a daily fight until the negativity is gone and all the positive thinking is back..I’m going to remember I am a child of His and He has me…and I’ll call on my friends and family in Christ and remember they are the Hands of God, and they will lift me up, because on my own, it’s not enough…but I know they’ll have the words of wisdom and hugs and love that I need when I need it most…they are part of my story, they are the characters…my ending isn’t near yet, but I’ll keep you posted on the middle…it’s going to be great!!!

Romans 5:1-5….

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