As I sit to write tonight, I have no title.  I really have no words to even explain what’s in my heart, so I am going to shoot from the hip here…so bear with me…I have been trying to rebuild a relationship with my parents and thought we were making progress, but then, this past Tuesday, I received a call, from a friend, whose friend called her to let her know a small incident that happened at the hair salon.  Seems my mom was getting her  hair done the same time as my friend’s friend, who obviously knew that was my mom because she knew of her.  Seems my mom was speaking ill of me and stating what a horrible person I was…in public, with other people around…at a hair salon.  I guess the lady who does my friend’s friend’s hair, knew more about me and my life then she cared to know.  This happened less than 2 weeks ago.  How can that be?

Then I got to thinking about my friend who called me to tell me all this and the love I have in my heart for her.  She would never lie to me, she would  never intentionally do a thing to hurt me.  Yet, when I asked for things to change in our relationship, she could not love me enough to do so.

Which brought me to thinking about my family again.  How can you call yourself a Christian, and say to my face you love me, yet turn your back against me.

Therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion, humans are incapable of real love.  Not if you are not IN Christ at all times.  It’s something I’ve learned over the past year – to truly love, to truly forgive, to truly BE you have to have Christ in your life.  Now, I’m not saying, I’m always this perfect person, but I’ve been completely honest with my feelings on a lot of issues, how I feel about certain things, and what I am capable of as a human.

I’ve told my parents I want the past in the past and I want us all to move forward in Christ, they say that’s what they want too, yet less than two weeks ago they are at a hair salon talking about how horrible I am?  What’s with that?  My friend was even upset because she doesn’t believe the feelings I had at a time in the past for her were real and true.  I just said them to say them?  No, I meant every word of them, but like my relationship with my parents, my life has changed drastically in a years time.  I’ve grown, I’ve changed.  I’ve realized what’s holding me together 24/7. I have to respect that…and more than any human, it’s been God holding me together.  It’s been prayer.  It’s been a true reflection on God and all HE has done for me to get me HERE.  And as I thought about all this and how hard it is to explain to people, I decided to take time and do the four R’s.

What are the four R’s?  Its what my daughter’s college age pastor told me to when she left…rest, reflect, repent and reconcile.  Here’s what I’ve learned about that…I can rest and think about all I’ve done wrong, and I can beat myself up for it, and I can be sad, think horrible things about myself.  I can say I’m sorry for all the hurts I’ve caused and then I can try to reconcile relationships.  Which is what I’ve been trying to do for almost an entire year now!  What I’ve learned about reconciliation is it cannot happen unless BOTH parties in a relationship are willing to admit hurts, apologize for them, and get out of the hurt and move forward. So I spent a few hours crying and beating myself up for all the hurt again, and thought about what I’ve even done over the past 8 weeks and did what every person does in times of need…I emailed my DC Chicks and asked for prayer…what I got in return was prayer, phone calls, cyber hugs, and reassurance I am okay – I am on the right path – I am learning to let my heart beat again, I am saying good bye to where I’ve been, I’m looking at my shattered life that’s in about 1000 pieces on the floor, I’ve been on my knees again asking God to give me the strength to give up my family, my loves, my hurts, to help me realize I don’t live in the past, I live in the NOW – I have a future, I have plans, I have to take one step at a time out of darkness – putting “band aides” on my scars yet looking at them and appreciating them for what they are…failures, where I’ve used to be – and that was not a good place, it was a place where I lived for everyone else and didn’t do a very good job of it, it was where I was dishonest with myself and tried to be what everyone else wanted and wasn’t true to me.  It was living but not breathing…it’s hard to explain this to anyone who doesn’t realize the childhood I had, the marriages I’ve survived, the deep pain that existed in my heart.  Yesterday is a closed door and I do not live there anymore, and I have to remember first and foremost I’m God’s child – He loves me, this is the season He decided to give His ONLY SON to have a relationship with me.  To have me in His love and embrace.  My heart is beating…but every now and again, I get pulled into yesterday and want to live in the hurt – but I have to say good bye to the hurt.  When you hurt, you hurt others, and I don’t want to be the person who hurts others…I don’t want to be the one who doesn’t let others live to their full potential and get all the wonderful things in life they deserve.  So not only do I want my heart to breathe, I want theirs to breathe too…and I think sometimes that means you give up what you love, because by loving it, you cause it more pain.  Maybe this makes sense, maybe it doesn’t.

So sometimes, when I let myself open doors I should leave closed, I live in the hurt, I see the pieces on the floor, and realize I’m shattered and I’ve shattered others…I realize I can’t put anyone else together unless I put myself together first.  And I’m doing that.  I’m leaving darkness and I’m reaching for the Son…and for those I’ve hurt, for those who I’ve shattered, for those who can’t see my heart today, I am sorry, I hope you heal, I hope you find your peace, I hope you know my heart beats a little for you every day with hope, faith and longing for a time of reconciliation and healing…I hope someday your heart will also beat again…and I guess that’s what this title should be…heartbeats….

Romans 5:1-5

 

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