Love really is a beautiful thing is not not?  And real, true love, isn’t that even better?  I just finished reading Chip Ingram’s Five Love Languages and certainly have a better understanding of myself now.  I am definitely an acts of service and words of affirmation kind of girl.  I didn’t realize this a few years ago, but this past year has been all about self-discovery.  My life hasn’t been ideal for a while, but over the past six months, I’ve definitely reached out, learned, explored and have a truly better understanding of myself and what I want out of life.

Oh, yes, I’ve been accused of several different things over the past few weeks, but as my counselor and I talked, those who can’t see me for me, are dealing with their own pain and and their own “junk” and if they blame me for their wrongs, well, then, that makes them feel better and I can live with that for I used to do the same thing – blame others for my shortcomings and the things that were wrong in my life, it helps short term and certainly allows you to be angry about things, but in the end, is being angry and blaming others really the way to go?  I would say not, but as a former angry blamer, I’ll allow the hurt to come my way.

As I said recently, I was told that I need to “suffer like Jesus did on the cross” for my sins and past transgressions.  That sentence made me realize I was dealing with people who want to stay in the past, want to dwell on my mistakes, my sins, my failures, okay, you stay there, as for me, I’m moving forward.  I’m letting go, I’m moving towards a better, positive beginning.

I’m in my own personal battle now, a fight to get my daughter back, a quest to make her life and mine better than it’s ever been and it started with me finally taking care of me.  It all started with me realizing first and foremost I am Child of the One True King and He loves me for me, and He will do anything to keep me in His life, including forgiving my sins and allowing me to move forward with my life.  In that quest, I have tried to let go of some relationships that I felt were dragging me down.  Evidently, they were because for the past two weeks, I have found myself sleeping sounder, losing more weight and feeling lighter in every aspect of my life.  I am laughing more, crying less and the people have told me I am glowing.  Now, knowing for sure I am not expecting a baby, and that’s what people usually say about expectant mothers, I am happy about this statement because I know I am truly happy.

I’ve also been accused of “ignoring”.  It really wasn’t an intentional ignore, it just sort of happened.  I realized if I reached out and talked, I would be drug into the same hole of blaming me for what went wrong, for moving forward, and for changing.  Okay, I realize it all, but I had to for me.  While I want to talk, and while I realize I need to listen to the “closure” some people need, it won’t change who I am now.  I can’t allow it to change me.  You see, all the relationships I have let go of were bad for me.  I was searching, loving, hoping, and resting in things that will never change – I was living in the past, and holding on to love in hope I would get something back, but then I realized, the love once there, wasn’t there anymore.  My expectations were too high and my need for “something more” was too expensive.  The price of the new me meant others hand to change and grow with me.  Others have to let go of their own “junk” and rest in the knowledge that we are all seeking for love that’s unobtainable here on earth – not if we continue to pursue love with those who are not found in Christ.  Only through Christ and learning what love, forgiveness, patience, faith, mercy and grace are – can we truly love.

And YES i realize all this sounds like I am Jesus Freak – and that’s okay, you can call me that.  I am not ashamed that I finally found what it was I was looking for – true forgiveness, grace, mercy and love that can ONLY be found in Him – no one on earth can grant that, and I finally realize that now – I was wishing for things on earth, that cannot be found here…I have found new friends who know about me and chose not to judge me, or persecute me.  They have taken me in, washed my sins away and shown me compassion, love and acceptance.  All the things everyone else says they do, but if they truly did, when I say the “past is the past and it needs to stay there and we need to move forward” they would say, yes, I agree, let’s move forward in the grace God grants us all…let me grow and change with you so our lives can be better and greater than they ever have been before.

I’ve been told people of my past love me and would do anything of me.  It’s funny, where were those people over the past 47 weeks?  Did they check on me weekly?  Did they ever call and say, Hey, I was thinking about you, let’s do lunch.  Let’s get coffee…let’s pray…nope, not a one, but I have found my new circle of friends and I support each other through prayer, texts, emails, and phone calls.  What’s a phone call you say?  It’s this thing were you call and speak to someone, and then if needed, you can pray at the end in support of that person’s life.

So, here I am on my quest to get Olivia back and to let her know that I love her, I accept her for her journey, I want to be a part of her life, a want to love her with this new found love that I know I can truly extend – no questions, no fear, no holding back.  But of course, this may not happen until she is out of the home she is living in now.  The people she is with now, well, they want to live in the past, they want to put me on the cross every time I talk to them, and that I just can’t do.  Jesus already died for my sins and paid my debt, it’s my job now to ask forgiveness, and move forward.  This is another group I have to let go of, I can’t allow myself to continue to be verbally beat up, because people can’t move forward…

I miss Olivia every day, I pray for her and her fiancé and I hope some day she will see me for me, and realize I am not the same mom she left.  I am stronger, more patient, more forgiving, less willing to let anyone walk all over me, ready to move forward in a life with Christ.

So here I sit, in my new home, looking across the woods – watching my friend outside with her kids – doing yard work, her husband on the riding lawn mower, dogs playing together – leaves falling from the trees and I am hoping and praying Olivia can hear my heart – I am hoping she can feel my prayers – I am keeping the faith she senses the love coming through the universe and whispering to her heart that I love her, I need her, I long to be with her…

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