So there is a war between guilt and grace.  There is a war between sinners and saints.  There is war between being who Christ wants us to be and who our earthly families feel project us to be.  There is war between letting your past go and realizing you are a new creation in Christ and extend true forgiveness.  I am quickly learning this is not so easy for many people.  At times, I’m at a loss as to what to do with that information.
I realize I made mistakes in my past, and I realize I’ve hurt others, I’m not asking for the past to be erased, but when you have truly asked forgiveness and apologized for your wrong doings, why is that so hard for humans to let go of.  I thank My Lord and Savior hourly at times for His mercy and grace.  If not for Him, I truly don’t know where I would be – I’ve learned it is truly only through Him we are made new, and only through those truly walking with Him that grace, mercy and forgiveness are extended.
My life has taken several turns and twists over the past five years…most recently, the changes God has bestowed upon me are those which completely overwhelm me at times.  I gave my life back to Him in June.  I quit trying to “fix” things and stayed in constant prayer over what HE wanted for my life.  I then remained silent and listened.  And listened.  And listened.  When we remove ourselves from life, we get a clear indication from Him as to where He is leading us.  When I listened, I found a whole new joy and a completely different life from what I thought I wanted for me.  I found happiness, love, peace and understanding.  How freeing has this been??!!  I have to tell you, once I removed me from me, life became worth living again.
I am not saying life is perfect – can life on earth be perfect?  I don’t know, but it sure feels better than it has before.  Francesca Batestelli sings a song called “If We’re Honest”.  I listened to this song maybe 1000 times and her lines about “truth is harder than a lie” and “don’t pretend you’re something that you’re not, living life afraid of getting caught” touched a nerve for me.  I realized this is exactly what I had been doing – pretending I was something to gain love.  The life I was living wasn’t happy, it was full of stress, turmoil and constant struggle.  Once I gave my life to God, and realized He had something greater in store for me, I began to let go of the “pretend” and was lead to the real friendships, relationships that I was craving.  Oh sure, in the beginning of the “letting go” process, I was sad, I was torn, but then I realized, I had given my life to God and that’s what mattered most.  NO HUMAN will fill the void and give you the love God does.  Look at what He did for us, He gave HIS ONLY SON to die on the cross for our sins.  Jesus took the suffering of the entire world on just so we would have a relationship with His Father.  If we remain in Him, He remains in US – that kind of love isn’t found anywhere on earth – or any other planet for that matter!
I was recently told that I needed to be ready to suffer like Jesus did on the cross for my mistakes, the pain that I have caused – well in actuality, Christ already suffered for me, all I need to do, is to listen to those I have hurt, apologize and ask forgiveness.  I have already suffered at the loss of my daughter, I have written, called and emailed and apologized over and over again for whatever it is I did to hurt her, and I truly am sorry.  No one but God can see the pain in my heart for knowing I hurt her.  It was not intentional – I am human, and I was going through my own “junk” and had to take my own journey to redemption.
And so, I’ve given up the war between guilt and grace.  I am letting God’s grace win.  I will not let myself be torn by Satan and continue to beat myself up for my past.  I will not allow anyone working in Satan’s court drag me down and turn me into what they want me to be.  My one and only goal on earth is to walk where God wants me to walk, love those He puts in my path, rejoice with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and receive all the love they bestow upon me.  My joy is found in Him.  There is a comfort in suffering in Him.  He knows my heart, He sees me as His Child.  For those who want to put me in their world and see me only through their eyes, I’m sorry for them.  I will pray for them.  When we open our hearts and eyes and see people as Christ sees them, all we will know is the extension of grace and love.  God will always plead our course and right our wrongs, He gave His life, so we could have ours – in His eyes, there is only grace.  He breaks all our chains, He overcame!  He says we are free!!!  I’m going to stay free and remain in His love.