There is an old hymn I grew up on, the words go like this “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to the e my blessed savior, I surrender all, humbly at his feet I bow, wordly pleasures all forsaken, make me Savior holy thine, may thy holy spirit fill me, may I know my power divine”….I used to love to sing this song in harmony with my dad, his full bass/tenor voice and my alto/suprano voice sounded so pretty in my mind.  Recently, I had a church friend talk about surrendering her own prodigal child to God.  Within a few short days her child returned home. Oh, how i wish that was my story, but it isn’t…

And now, well, it’s been another form of labor because it’s now been nine months, one day and 23 hours since my daughter left.  It’s been a very long nine months…but, it’s also been a good nine months.  I know that sounds strange even to me, to say out loud, to believe out loud, but it’s been okay.  I’m going to be okay, and eventually, she will be okay.  Because I surrender all…

I finally surrendered and have changed her room to be what I want a girlie room to look like and I sleep better in that room than I do anywhere else in the house.  I read my Bible more, because I am spending time with the one thing that loves me and knows I am worth more than anyone else does.  I see my therapist once a week and get my toes done every other week – it’s the one time I get undivided human interaction and human touch.  Without any complaining or feelings of guilt because I took someone away from their phone, or work, or family.

I surrendered my feelings of being unworthy and expanded my friend horizon and spend more time with woman I have something in common with, twice divorced, and a prodigal child.

I’ve surrendered to my feelings of shame and learned if you have a problem with someone who says they are a Christian, but they treat you in an unchrisitan like way, maybe THEY have a problem, not you.  I’ve also surrendered I am not the only sinner and learned that we as sinners are fall short of the glory of God, but only a few select few can admit this and be aware to the fact we all do sin.

I’ve surrendered my feelings of guilt and learned you can be the best mother you know how to be and your children will still find fault with you and walk away.  I’ve learned sometimes a child comes back in two weeks, two months, two years, seven years, and the most recent, 10 years.

I’ve learned my job as a mom, is to continue to love, support and pray for my daughter’s heart no matter how she treats me.  I’ve learned it’s pretty obvious my family has some serious issues that don’t involve me, because I’ve done my part of rest, reflect, repent and I can only own my part in a relationship.

I’ve learned to I forgive my family, my daughter, her boyfriend, his family, and all the other adults who say “I don’t want to be involved”, but clearly are because they chose a side.  I’m surrendering their hearts to God – only He can open their hearts, not me.

I’ve surrendered myself to God and learned to forgive myself for my shortcomings and to know it’s okay to be human, we all are, and we all make mistakes.

I’ve learned to pray for everyone involved, including myself.

I’ve surrendered to the fact I am truly nothing without God and His glorious Son – who came to forgive me for all my sins who made me fearlessly and wonderfully and who just wants my heart.  I turned to Him, He ran to me, which is exactly what I’ll do when my daughter decides she has forgiven me and wants to reconcile.

I have surrendered to a God who has always loved unconditionally who makes all things new.  I have surrendered to my brothers and sisters in Christ, their blood runs thicker than any earthly family’s blood could ever run.

I have surrendered and now invest in others, not on facebook, or twitter, or myspace or instagram, but real conversations I have face to face with people – pouring my heart into them, means way more than any facebook post.  I have learned I have a huge heart, huge ears and my shoulders can handle more weight with the love of Jesus helping to support.

I surrender to the reality I may not have my daugther, she is following her own path, finding her own way, living her own journey, but I have more people investing in me, and keeping me from turning away from God in pain and leaning on Him in an authentic, He loves me no matter what type of way.

I’ve surrendered my pain to God.  He is the only one who can heal it.  My parents can’t admit my pain because they would have to look at themselves and see their piece in this puzzle.  My sister can’t admit my pain because she would have to admit she was wrong in sending me the nasty text message.  My aunt and cousin can’t because again, they would have to turn to themselves.  My daughter for the moment, can’t, because for her to admit she caused me pain, she would have to admit, she was part of the pain.  For whatever reason she cannot admit her part, I surrender her heart to God.  He will heal her pain, as He is healing mine.  He will open her eyes, and let her see she has a mom who loves her unconditionally and will do whatever needs to be done so we can continue our relationship God wants us to have.

I am fully aware of my shortcomings, I have discovered my flaws, I have owned my part, I have forgiven myself…I surrendered my life to Christ in June.  I cannot do this on my own, and it’s been through the grace and mercy and loving arms of those I have been walking with I can stand here today.  These people prayed for me to surrender my story to the Lord, and I did, and the day I did I feel a freedom I’ve never felt EVER.

Sure, I will make mistakes, I will fall short, I will fail God, I will hurt people unintentionally, and I will shame myself in the future.  I’m not perfect, I will not be perfect until I reach heaven’s gates.  Saying I’m proud of who I am right now sounds a little snooty, and I don’t like to be snooty, but I will say I am truly pleased and honored and humbled to be called a Child of God.  He loves me and feels I am worthy.  I was lost and I found Him, and He ran to me, wrapped his arms around me and said Welcome Home Child.  I am a princess for my Father is the King of Kings…I have a wonderful family in Christ.  I am blessed, worthy, loved, I have surrendered my life, and while this path is lonely at times, all I have to do is look to the heavens and see the stars, the moon, the sun, the clouds and I don’t feel so lonely anymore – for I have surrendered to the one with all the power, who loves me, and will never let me fall.

I surrender my life, my heart, my devotion to the one true king, to the one who loves all, knows all, is all…I surrender…Surrender: to relinquish control or possessoin of something.

Psalm 29, Ephesians 3:20; Ephesians 4:16

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