So, I find myself angry.  There are those who say I need to start my anti-depressant again, but SURPRISE to all of you, I was angry before I stopped it, I’m sure others will wonder what I am angry about, I can list a few for you!

1.  My parents will not give me one hint as to what my daughter is doing, where she goes, if she is in school, if she is alive, what kind of car she drives, what her cell phone number is, and I can go on and on and on….on this one…

2.  My sister has been known to say she isn’t mad at me…REALLY – what would she have to be angry about?  Did I send her a nasty message on Christmas morning telling her “until you get the help you need I can no longer be a part of your life”?  Nope.  So, my dear readers, why is she entitled to NOT be mad at me?

3.  Evidently, my family – and I am including all family, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, except one cousin, spouse and one aunt and uncle – if you read this you know who you are because you actually speak to me and tell me that it will all be okay and you don’t understand it either…..for you four, I thank you and am deeply indebted to your compassion – however, the rest of my family is in denial about what a couple of 20 year olds have to say…thank you for never asking me my side, and by saying “I don’t want to be involved” well, when you listen to one side and not the other not only are you involved, and you have clearly chosen a side.

4.  I am tired of cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and doing nothing but work, work, work, work, work…thank goodness for a few close friends who see my exhaustion and the need to be emotionally recharged from time to time.  To you, my most precious girlfriends, I love you more than I can ever mention, and I thank you for your time you invest in me.  Your compassion and silent undertanding means the world to me.  I know you know who I’m talking about.

5.  I am angry because my efforts to reach out to my daughter are fruitless.  I can apologize, ask forgiveness, recognize her birthday, holidays, engagements, send cards, emails, presents, money, and it all goes unrecogized and certainly no mention of receipt is given…AND…if I ask my “parents” they can’t tell me anything because it would violate my daughters privacy.

6.  I am angry because I am being treated like I am a drug seeking, child beating, POS, prostitute that has never done anything to benefit her child.  And, those who believe her story and never seek me out to ask anything of me, think they are so right, when in all actuality, if we read our Bibles and seek God’s counsel, you will see they are clearly wrong.  But you can’t tell them that, because clearly they think they are without sin.  Good for them!

7.  I am upset because I have two diseases that are robbing me of my health, and cause daily pain, bloating, stomach issues, toilet issues and the only one who is taking pains to help is me.

8.  I am upset because I am rowing a boat by myself and all I really want is for someone else to pick up the oars and row for a while.  Would that really be so hard?

9.  I am angry because every parental mistake I’ve made has been raked over the coals of those who shouldn’t judge, and I have not been given the chance to plead guilty, or defend myself.  The charges, trial, verdict and sentence have all been made without the star witness.

10.  I am upset because I am tired of praying and being met with not an iota of a answered prayer.  I know, all in God’s time, and good things come to those who wait and God is working on it, He does all things for our good.  I would just appreciate one hint of an answer.

11.  I am upset because my daughter has gotten engaged and is planning a wedding without me.  Seriously, planning a wedding without me.  My relationship with my mom wasn’t all that great, but I still wanted her involved in every aspect of every important event of my life.  But my daughter’s hate for me right now is so huge, she will take her vows, someone else will walk her down the aisle, someone else will answer the question “who gives this woman”, somone else will light the candles, someone else will pull her veil over her face, someone else will give the toast, someone else will help her with dress, hand her the bouquet and watch her give her first kiss as a wife.

12.  I am upset that not one person has chosen to give her dose of reality, as I would if this was somoene’s child I know, and say, HEY, WAKE UP, you are slowly killing your mom, you will regret this some day, give her a chance to show you how her life has changed, give her a chance to be forgiven, give her a chance to show you anything, and remind her of the fact that I loved her first, I grew her, I birthed her, I prayed for her safety, her dreams, I sacrificed to make her happy, and I will, unlike my family, I will be here for her no matter what.  No matter what, even after all the pain I’ve been in because of her, I would welcome her home in a heart beat, I would take all her anger just to hear her voice, I would crawl through fire for her.

13.  I am angry because she made my worst nightmare come true.  She got mad, walked away and I know I’ll never see her again, and all the the faith in the world will not change that fact.

14.  I am angry that her fiance and his family claim to be such great Christians, yet they allow this distance to continue.

15.  I am angry because I am lonely.  I miss her.  I miss her so much, I ache sometimes.  What do you do without your child who is out there, missing, avoiding you, ignoring you, pretending you don’t exist, how does a mom deal with that?

16.  I am angry because what I thought would be the “friend” phase of our life is gone.  Just gone.

17.  I am angry because people don’t understand that family functions make me sad.  I don’t want to celebrate birthdays and holidays and children’s special moments, sporting events, graduations….does anyone understand how painful they are?  I used to do those things with my daughter, and now they are gone.  There is no time limit on this folks, I feel what I feel and I cannot fake happiness for you or anyone else, I have a hard time faking happiness for myself at times.

18.  I am upset with myself because if I found out some members of my family were deceased, I don’t know that I would care.  I recently talked to someone I am pretty close to about this, and she as has her own “issue” with a family member and she confided in me, she feels the same way.  Does this make us bad people?  I am not sure, but I think God sees the pain more than he sees the anger, and he understands.

19.  I am upset because my daughter now has a full-time job and didn’t have the courtesy to tell me hey, you can stop paying the amount you pay a month in health insurance, I have my own now.  She knows what a money struggle I have, she can’t even send telegram saying, Hey, save yourself some dough!

20.  I am upset because after all I’ve said above, I still just want my daughter to call me, write me, send me a note and say, hey, I’m alive, I love you, I’m just working through some things, but I recognize all you did for me…I know you did your best, I know you made mistakes, I know that!!  I love you mom…

That’s just to name a few things that have upset me, which is clearly just the human side of me.  The Christian side says, it will all be okay, you will see her again, you must continue to pray (1 Chronicles 16:11, Romans 8:26), you must continue to persevere (Proverbs 3:5-6, James 1:12), you must continue your journey and rest, reflect, repent and reconcile.  I feel like the little train that could, I think I can make it one more day, I think I can not cry one more tear, I think I can keep the faith (Luke 7:50).

So, I’m angry for the moment, and possibly having a pity party for myself, I think it’s okay, I think those who love me the most will understand.  My dogs certainly understand and I love them so much, they keep me sane these days, Harlie with her snuggling in bed and Jordyn with her never ending hugs.  I will get though this, I will wake up every day and keep going, I will rejoice  in the Lord during this time of trial because I know the path is set by him and I know his love is perfect and I know he is walking with me.

Like God has seen me take ownership for all my sins, mistakes, regrets, and repentance I want the chance to show my daughter.  But I realize she has to give me the chance.  I was thinking about our trip to the beach last year and how we laughed and sang and shared quiet moments….that was the best week ever for me…reminded me of our trip to Clifty Falls and our hikes in the woods, laying by the pool..such great memories for me…all of which she said were faked on her part.

I would love the chance to see her again and tell her again I love her, I’m sorry for my mistakes and would love the time to show her how my life and heart has changed.  But again, I’m not the one not reaching out.  There is no indication how long the prodigal son was gone, I wish I knew a time table, wish i knew the hour of her return, I wish i knew I wouldn’t be old, gray and on deaths door…time is so short, so precious….my anger has subsided while writing.  Now I’m melancholy.  I guess I’ll walk the dogs and enjoy the great outdoors…sunshine and the love of a dog…God’s warmth of the sun, and His unconditional love from a furry face….until later my friends I leave you with Psalm 51…

“…Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me…”

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