So, this weekend my life takes a huge turn, well, maybe not huge, but a step to declaring to the world (well maybe just those attending church, but I’m sure the news will spread), I’m getting baptized!  Yes, I was sprinkled as a child and then completely immersed when I was 10, then sprinkled again at 20 – but this time this is completely for me, and because I see now who sees me as worthy of love and peace.  I have learned – over the past six months – who values me, and who sees my pain and carries it with them.  I have also learned who sees my joy, and who sees my heart.  It hasn’t been an easy road, I’ve been sad, mad, depressed, happy and a bundle of mixed emotions.  I’ve learned though counseling, meeting with church and surrounding myself with those who are humbled at the feet of the cross, that everything up this this point in my life has given me the strength, the courage and the hope of what lies ahead.  My life isn’t very different from anyone else’s, I’m sure there are lots of men and women who have survived sexual abuse, abusive marriage, divorce, a child with cancer, and the stress of being both mom and dad to their child.

I’ve also learned that it truly does take two people to form and sustain a relationship.  If only person is doing the calling, card sending, and has offered themselves up at the most vulnerable stage then that is not a relationship.

Most importantly, I’ve learned God is not dead, and God never leaves us, we are the ones who wander far from Him and maybe at times in my life I could be called a prodigal child….I’ve strayed maybe not that far, but I can say that I’ve tried to handle life on my own, which was not a very smart idea.

So God’s not dead.  God never leaves. Which leads me to what, do I believe?  The answer is a resounding YES!  Now, I may not always be able to express what I’m feeling, but I know without one single doubt God is with me, God is for me, and God never leaves us.  He doesnt.

He just doesn’t leave.

I’ve learned my old self surrounded herself with those people who were emotionally distant.  It’s a pattern I learned at a very early age, and when I had that AHA moment when I finally took a deep look and figured out I have truly handled every emotionally difficult situation alone it almost knocked me over. Oh sure, I prayed and sang songs, but something truly started to change in me around May of 2014.  Now, I am not saying I’ve alway been emotionally connected to anyone through their difficult times and for that, I am sorry, and most certainly ask for forgiveness.  I’m also not saying I handled everything perfectly, but those difficult moments are truly what lead me to this AHA moment of my life.

I wrote a letter today to one of the men who is going to baptize me and it was very emotional for me. I was able to tell him what a strong role model he has been.  For he didn’t ever question my motives or judge me for what I was thinking, he just directed me to look at Bible passages, asked me questions that I felt were leading me to seek higher counsel, and truly made me think about who I was, who I wanted to be and who I was becoming.  He was an encourager slowly nudging me to where I needed to rest.

So as I stay in this state of reverence and thinking about the price Jesus paid for me to live and to form this bond with Him, to see what He truly wants for my life, and how He placed every person, and created every moment, to be present for a reason.

I am neither bound by my mistakes, nor will I continue to beat myself up for them.  There is no need to to so.  Will I let anyone else do so?  No.  Through God’s grace, I am now a new creation.  Like the song I’ve shared below, I am laying my past at the feet of Jesus.  It is not through my own strength I have been able to face myself, it was through God’s mercy, strength and steadfast love.   I am now very aware others and see where the true Christian love can be found.  I will not allow myself to be bound by chains.  Because my shackles are gone and I’ve been set free.  Does this mean I won’t have bad days, be sad, make mistakes, fall short of His glory, be angry, or stumble?  Nope, but it certainly means I have something greater than anything here on earth to fully put my trust.

Only at the feet of Jesus do I need to dwell.  Only at the feet of Jesus will I find the peace that passes understanding.  My future is in His hands, and like the loving Father I know Him to be He will never leave, give me situations I cannot handle with Him walking by my side, paving the way before me, or carrying me.  If we are all made in His image, there is no emotion He hasn’t already felt.  He definitely keeps His eye on the sparrow, so I know He is watching me.  He has walked my path and holds my future, and I know it’s going to be a great life.

At Your Feet

By Casting Crowns

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down

My wanderings, all my mistakes down

And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down

Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found

All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

Oh, to dwell and never leave

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet

There is nowhere else for me

There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down

All of my dreams, I give to You now

And I find peace, I find peace

Here at Your feet, I lay my life down

For You my King, You’re all I want now

And my soul sings!

Love and peace.