I recently decided it was time to maybe start contacting the people with whom my daughter is living.  Maybe it’s time.  Maybe it isn’t.  But I know in my heart, if I don’t make the first move, no one ever will.  Since Olivia called me on Good Friday, I’ve done even more thinking, more counseling and more church action, and all I can say is her heart still isn’t in a happy place and the beautiful girl I raised, is not who she is currently.  It pains my heart deeply to know this truth.

So I am taking the steps and reaching out.  And as I am slowly reaching, this song keeps playing in my head.  And I keep singing, and getting on my knees and listening to it, and His voice.  Nicole C. Mullen definitely says it best:

“There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin” – so I reach out and call my child and she doesn’t answer, but the owner of the home does.

“Then there are days, when I feel I’m letting go and soaring on the wind, I’ve learned in laughter or in pain, how to survive”

I’ve loved through my pain over the past four months to the exact day almost.  I’ve learned more about who I am and what true love is and is not.  It is not hiding truth.  It is not being asked a direct question and hiding the truth – or hiding behind what you are telling yourself is the truth. “I get on my knees, I get on my knees”

It was recently said to me “Parenting Olivia is over.  If she was in a dorm and away at college none of us would know what she is doing.  At least that’s how I think of this.”  REALLY? I think to myself well, I guess you can say that because you have direct daily contact with her. You have her cell phone number, her school schedule, you know when she is not with you she is either at work, at her boyfriends, or her friends house.  You can call her, text her, when she gets home you can hug her, talk to her, see her.  So, I guess, in a way, you can kid yourself and believe what you want.  But the truth is, she is away from her mother, she is hiding from her mom, and you are an accomplice to that truth.  So I ended a conversation today, because it was making me very sad, and went to the ladies room at work, got on my knees and said a prayer.  “There I am before the Lord who changes ME” A prayer for my heart to continue to heal, a prayer for my daughter’s heart to find it’s way home, a prayer for the people who are housing my child to see the piece of the pie they make up in this mess.  “I don’t know how but there’s power when I’m on my knees”

A church friends mother has been critically ill for several weeks now.  Set back, after set back.

“I get on my knees.”

I talked to a friend today who is sad.  She feels the “evil one” at her back, so I got on my knees figuratively and prayed for her.  I told the “evil one” I am at her back and he needs to go away in the name of Jesus.

“I get on my knees”

I felt happy/sad the other day because I was able to spend some time the with two boys next door and the oldest one ran to me and gave me a big hug like he used to do Olivia.  It so reminded me of her and I could hear him say, “Hi Olivia” in his cute little voice so I said a prayer for her to remember him and how much fun we had with them with our summer time smore parties.

“I get on my knees”

So I think I am not ready to take to many big steps, maybe just baby steps.  I need to remain on my knees, and in His arms at all times.  I have made it four Fridays now without crying, yet I feel on the verge of tears every waking moment. I’ve remained in His hands, and there is power in His presence and there I need to stay constantly.  Never leaving.  It’s not Him that leaves us, it’s US that sometimes leaves HIS presence.

So, as I sign off tonight, feeling somewhat sad, but knowing God feels my sadness and tomorrow morning I’ll wake up ready to take on the world again, because in Him I’m learning to survive, I’ll be on my knees in His presence all day.  I can be by myself, or in a crowd, no one needs to know that I’m talking to Him.  Read these words:

“I can be in a crowd or by myself, or almost anywhere, when I feel there’s a need to talk to God, He is Emmanuel, when I close my eyes, no darkness there – there is only light, and I get on my knees, I get on my knees, there I am before the Lord, that changes me, I don’t know how but there’s power when I’m on my knees.  I don’t know how but there’s power in that blue sky, I don’t know how but there’s power in the midnight, I don’t know how but there’s power when I’m on my knees.”

I am so humbled and thankful I have God in my life.  I do not know where I would be or who I would be without His wonderful mercy and grace.  I do not know where I would be without His open arms and answers to prayers before I’ve even asked.  I know I’ll remain on my knees.  Psalm 19:14 will be my theme song.  Blessings.

Advertisements