Move on, move forward, keep your chin up, keep doing what you’re doing, it’s all you can do, and it’s what everyone says to do.  Move forward.  Move on.  Don’t let her see you sad beause she is gone, that’s what she wants.  Okay, I can not let her know I’m sad, worried, upset, angry, confused and feeling quite rejected…The question I have is HOW.

When I saw Oivia she seemed mad and asked how could I not want to work on our relationship.  My question to her would be, I have been trying to work on it, YOU however are not giving me the time of day. I have called, written, sent cards, tried to find you on social media, called one of your friends to find you, filed a missing and endangered adult report, contacted every so called adult I know to find out what’s going on with you and what have you done in return?  Turned off your own phone, blocked me from finding you on facebook, twitter, instagram, won’t answer any of my requests to get counseling together.  Yet, you accuse me of not wanting our relationship.  Then, you do the ultimate, you tell me you do not love me or care about me and our life has been a lie.  WOW…so I should, faced with all your “truth” and rejection be able to move forward, right?  I mean she definitely let me know that as a mom I have faild her by working so she wouldn’t have too, buying her a car, taking her to the beach, cooking all her meals, doing her laundry, taking care of everything inside and outside the house she she didn’t have too…oh, every now and again she would change out the laundry or scrub my bathroom, or run the vaccum, wash a few dishes or load and/or empty the dishwasher, so certainly I should be able to be relieved (as she said she was because she had left the nest so to speak) so I should be able to move forward right?  Move on, right?  Forget I was ever a mom, right?   WRONG.  Because I am not made like her, I cannot stop being a mom like she can stop being a daughter.  Or like my paretns and sister can forget they had a daughter and sister.  I am not made that way.

One of my co-workers tells me this is my new “normal”.  I guess she is right. However, this new normal, doesn’t feel so normal.  It feels about as un-normal as possible.  How do you stop being a mom?  How do you forget about your child?  How do you move forward when your child is in the same town as you, but you cannot find her or contact her?  I can’t even get so-called adults to give me her phone number.  I don’t even want to call her, or text her, I just want some sort of connection to her.

So, I’m trying to carry on so to speak….I am so used to rejection, I should change that to my last name.  I have had enough converations with ministers, co-workers, friends that I now sound like a broken record. So, in the hope of healing, I have decided to change her bedroom: a fresh coat of paint should do it some good, some new furniture and take all the special knick knacks I have given her and the special wall art I picked out especially for her down.  I even had a small change of pace for me and took a mini vacation.  Did any of that work?  NOPE.  And why not?  It’s because of my love for her.  When you truly love someone you cannot forget them, or move forward without them, or feel they no longer exist.  And, in reading several Bible passages, I think this one says a lot:

“If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have no love, I am

only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol; if I have the gift of

prophecy, and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I

have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my bodies to the flames,

but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not

proud, rude, self-seeking, not easily angered, it keeps no records of

wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perservers.

Love never fails…and now these three remain:  faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.”

I cannot stop being a mom, I cannot stop the love I have for my child, I cannot put conditions on my love for her.  I don’t understand people who can put conditions on their children.  Now, in certain circumstances, when that child may be a drug addict, alcoholic, or a child abuser I understand conditions.  But when you love something with all your heart and soul, and have made sacrifices for that child – how does that make you a bad person.  After talking to the ministers I see I am a good person, a great mom and have so much unconditional love in my heart.  And not just for my child, I love my friends, my co-workers, neighbors and my adopted family like they truly are my own…how does anyone not love this way?  And believe me, I know I am not perfect (I have parents, a sister and two ex-husbands to tell me how uimperfect I am) and God knows I have sinned and I know I have sinned.  And God knows I have been judged by choices I have made, by my mistakes, my life, from the very first breath I took when I entered this earth.

I am blessed and thankful however, God in heaven knows my heart, sees who I am, and as in 1 Corinthians 1 16:13-14 says “Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, be men of courage, be strong.  Do everything in love.”

So, I will be on guard for my enemies and the devil speaking in my head telling me I will not survive without Olivia; I will stand firm in my faith and hold strong to the hope someday she will regret this time apart and be a woman of courage to come ask my forgiveness and to reconcile our relationship, I will be strong and persevere and know it’s okay to laugh, smile, be angry or sad and have the doubts in my mind.  And, most of all, I will do everything in love…for if not for God’s love and His command to “love one another”, where would we be?