So, it has now been almost two months since I have seen my daughter.  I feel sad.  While I’ve been walking this journey i have sought the counsel of many….God, my family (who all turned their backs on me), my friends, who welcomed me with open arms, my counselor, my minister, God, a youth minister, my senior minister, the director of my Sunday School Group, my boss, my co-workers, my neighbor, my “work daughter” and God again.  All have the same advice:

Stay strong, it’s not you – it’s her

don’t let her see you sad

don’t let her weigh you down

don’t let her consume your thoughts

stay in contact with her – send her cards, write her notes, send her emails

don’t talk to her – quit emailing, stay silent

do what your heart tells you to do

open your door and heart to her

keep reaching out

focus on who does love you

search your heart and what you may have done wrong

pray

I’ll pray for you

I’ll pray for her

Pray for wisdom and guidance

Pray for God to show you what you’ve done wrong

don’t be sad  (the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want)

don’t worry  (I will fear no evil)

It may be years before you see her again

she will contact you soon

she will need you

something will happen that will remind her of you

Should I go on?  Does any of this help?

Well, I’ve prayed for wisdom and I’m still as dumb as I was yesterday.

I have prayed for guidance, and yes, I still need my guide dog.   (He guides me in the paths of righteousness, for His name sake)

I’ve prayed for God to show me what I’ve done wrong and even confessed all my sins for the past 12 years to about as many people.   (He leads me besides still waters, He restores my soul)

So far, nothing has worked.

So I am sad.

I am sad because I’ve been smacked in the face with the reality I already knew – sometimes those who say they are Christian, do not act in a way Jesus would want them to and to me, this is sad.  (He prepares a table in the presence of my enemies, He anoints my head with oil)

I am sad because I am being persecuted for normal mother-daughter issues that should not be blown into the mess they are in.  You see, I was always told, you are a single mom, I’ve raised two daughters, I know how kids are, so if you need help, just ask.  I did just that, and I am being punished for it.  And that after 30 days of not speaking to two, 50 for another these people see nothing wrong with what they did or what they have done or even have a clue what the truth is.

I am sad because I put my heart, soul and life into a child.  My world revolved around what she wanted out of life and what I could do to help her life be easier, and I am being punished for it.

I am sad because everywhere I go, I look for her, and she is no where to be found.  I want so bad to put my arms around her and hear her voice and laugh with her, cry with her, rejoice with her, listen to her stories, go shopping with her, listen to what she wants for her future, all the things we used to do.  They are gone.

I am sad because I was the single mother of one, and now I have none.  (even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, because you are with me)

I am sad because I have searched my heart, mailed her cards, clothes, Christmas gifts, money, a Valentine with a coffee gift card – all with no response or even an ounce of forgiveness.

I am sad because while talking with fellow parents of “lost children” before me, it may be years before I ever see my daughter again.

I am sad because I miss her.

I am sad because I love her.

I am sad because reality is she does not miss or love me.

I am sad because knowing all this and feeling all this is overwhelmingly sad.  (surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life)

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, because there is great peace, comfort and love with Him.

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