So today is an important mother-daughter day.  Today Olivia would celebrate 16 years of remission.  I’m incredibly sad she is not here to celebrate but I did send her favorite flower (carnations) to the place where I last know she was staying. I hope she is still there…if not, will the people send them to her, or call her and let her know they are there?

It seems like an even harder day because as a mom, you truly, truly remember moments of your child’s life:  the day you found out you were pregnant, the day you give birth, the first day home, the first scrape or bump, the first illness (ours just happened to be cancer), the first broken heart, the first award, the first time they leave your house.  I certainly wish my memory of the last would be happier.

There are so many things I miss right now, ie: her smile, her laugh, her wit, her love of junk food, the way she would pull out of the drive way in her car, watching silly TV shows, the funny things she would say, the way when she said something totally outlandish she would lean her forehead toward me and I would playfully “smack” it.  I miss the way she would come in the bathroom while I showered and sit on the sink and talk, talk, talk…sometimes about important things, some times rattling on about nothing imparticular, just catching up.  But it was all time spent together.  I miss going for our pajama runs for ice cream or donuts and the way she would eat her entire portion of whatever before we even got home.  I miss Saturday mornings when she would crawl in bed with me and we would just lay there and either talk or watch something.  Just being together.

I miss listening to her sing in the car, reading her school papers, texting her in the morning and her calling me with that “hey” she has and knowing she had just woke up, but trying to act like she had been awake for a while.

I miss her texting me “uh, I need a towel” when she forgot to get one in before she got in the shower.

I miss her runs to Burger King and get a flame-thrower at 9:30 at night.

I miss looking in on her in the middle of the night and seeing her fast asleep and in the star fish position she always slept in.

I miss her cat.

I miss her texts because she is bored.  Her funny facebook posts.  Her snide comments about everything in general.  I miss her friends.

I miss singing in church with her and knowing we were worshiping together because we have been doing that for 19 years together, and the way we would look at each other when one of our favorite songs would come on.

So many things I miss and so many things I am afraid I will miss.  I am so afraid I will miss her graduating college, getting engaged, getting married, having her first baby, her first house….I am afraid I will die before I ever see her again.

I miss her so much, and as each sun rises and sets, I know we are losing such precious time together.  As a Christian, I can rely on God and believe I will see her, but the human element of me, well, that part, is scared.  And sad.  And heartbroken.  And childless.

I wonder if she remembers any of the memories I am holding so close to my heart. I wonder if she is okay, if she is eating healthy, exercising, writing her papers, attending school, working, does anyone know what today is and what it means to her and I?

Mainly, I wonder, does SHE miss me?