So, you know how you hear a song when driving in your car and the lyrics hit you like a ton of bricks?  That’s totally how I feel about the song “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns.  Yes, I know this song is about a married couple who are trying to reconnect and reconcile, but it truly speaks to my heart and can be used in so many situations…the lyrics are as follows:

“what do you think when you look at me, I know we are not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be…how I wish we could go back to simpler times, before our scars and all our secrets were in the light…maybe you and I were never meant to be complete….could we just be broken together..if you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine, could healing still be spoken to save us…how it must be lonely by my side, we were building kingdomes and chasing dreams of love left behind…I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align, and we won’t give up the fight…could we just be broken…together….”

I feel this song so strongly, I have been so incredily broken so many times in my life and I know, yes, I KNOW, I am not the only one.  Like me, many people suffer child abuse, bullying (yes, I was a fat, four eyed, poodle haired, crooked legged mess, but it doesn’t mean I deserved the bullying), an abusive first marriage, a child’s cancer diagnosis, followed by my own cancer diagnosis, a divorce, life as a single mom, a second marriage, a second divorce, and last but not least, the loss of a child.  How many times can a person be so heart broken and still be pieced together?

Because I was raised to always “think about what the neighbors would think” I sometimes feel (and my therapist would agree) I take on the role of being compassionate to everyone…I take on not only my guilt, but eveyone’s guilt around me….it’s a wonder I haven’t been completely swallowed by the brokenness I feel, but I won’t, and I can’t, becuase I have God and God has me…and every time I feel I am giving up I have people, real people, who pick me up (find your initials here:  MU, DP, RS, LS, MW, CW, NM, CB, ZB & KB) who continuously remind me in their own special ways…I am loved, I AM loved…I am LOVED.  The saying is correct:  God places the right people in your life at EXACTLY the right time!  Without these people showing me God’s true love thru their actions and words, I may be completely broken.

Maybe the song is right, we are not made to be complete…none of us are complete on our own, it takes God working in us, and through the people we surrounds ourselves with to truly heal our hearts, to heal our minds, to take our pain away.

I wish I could hold my child right and tell her I understand her brokenness.  Her childhood was taken away by disease, although I always thought we made the best of the situation, her father canceling her 10th birthday and telling her to “call her when she grew up” and the years of me telling her he loved her, in his own way; my second failed marriage I am sure broke her, her longing for a true, close girlfriend which were shattered by teens who were immature, her fear of being abandoned because of so many friends coming and going in her life; her favoriate male teacher and “father” figure she adopted  leaving her school, a first boyfriend who had a criminal past (unknown to us)…all these things I feel broke her and she built a wall around herself, not really hearing me say she needed help, or counseling…maybe I wasn’t the best single parent I could have been…maybe the current feeling of broken she is putting me though, isn’t about me at all, but about her brokenness…

Does she realize all those thoughts I am having break me again?  And…as a parent, we do not want our kids to be broken…we do not want them to ever feel pain…I am not a perfect parent (this I know), I was not the perfect daughter (if my parents could, they would tell you), I was not the perfect sister (she would also gladly tell you), I am not always the perfect friend and co-worker…I am not the perfect neighbor, I am not the perfect employee, I am not the perfect ex-spouse, I will not be the perfect spouse ever…I am broken, I am  not complete,..

Am I angry with God for my brokenness?  NO…Do I know He has each and every single piece of my brokenness?  YES.

Maybe what truly binds us together as humans is we are all broken.  We all have our own story, our pasts, our hurts, our shattered hopes, dreams, pieces of our life which are incomplete.

But my eye turns to God when I am feeling most shattered.  My heart turns to His hands to hold the pieces and care for them when I can’t.  My voice sings to the heavens asking for healing…

Would I truly go back to a time when life was simpler?  When I didn’t know I was broken?  No.  The broken pieces of my life have brought me to the place I am now…I stand in God’s light, I am surrounded by people who truly care and love me and feel the pieces of my brokenness with me…each one of these hurts, are a piece my past, a piece of my hurt, a piece of my failure, a piece of my guilt, a piece of my lost loves, a piece of my lost innocence, a piece of my shame, a piece of my puzzle, and when I stand in God’s presence, He puts these pieces together, and I am not broken, I am complete.