It hit me around 11:00 last night, I may not believe in love any longer.  That thought kept me awake for the rest of the night.  And truly disturbs me.  How is that possible you say?  I’m not sure.  I look at couples around me, ones I used to admire and see how they treat each other, I look at teens who profess their love for one another and see how they partner change moment to moment.  Is there really love? 

We live in a society of complete social media.  We are always looking for that “something” to take us away from the moment we are in.  We don’t give anyone or anything except for electronic devices our full attention.  I never thought I was like that, and still don’t think I am.  In the past 24 hours I have received a total of four personal phone calls and 18 text messages.  I would say I am not a social media junkie.  I don’t even check my email regularly, because the only thing there is junk mail!  TV shows are now all reality TV and explore the possibility of love from the “Bachelor” to “Teen Mom” everyone is searching for love. 

My daughter has had a total of two serious boyfriends now, and this last one had me so snowed, I wonder if it is possible to trust anyone any longer.  He did all the right things, said all the right things, was even encouraging her to study her Bible more, taking her to church, etc.  Then, come to find out, he actually had “girls on the side”.  How is that possible?  I look at her and see her honesty, her clarity, the values I taught her about holding people up to their actions, not their words.  Anyone can say “I care about you”, “I love you”, “You are important to me”, but if their actions state everything else is truly more important, where does that leave you?

I talk to my married friends and hear how their spouses treat them and I wonder, where is the love?  I have an acquaintance who had cancer and her spouse didn’t even attend chemo treatments…her family and friends went with her!  I have a friend who is thinking of having an affair, her husband is great guy, but he is “an idiot” in her mind and she truly understands why people have affairs.  WHAT? I even have a friend who will be in the moment of “getting a little action started in the bedroom” and her spouse will actually answer the telephone – of course the reason is always justified.  I don’t care the reason – if you are having an intimate moment with your spouse you don’t take a phone call!  Hard to get that moment back for some people – and the message you send speaks volumes.

Everything to me doesn’t seem about ture marital love anymore – like what you would see on Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, even Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham showed their love to each other.   They made sure at the end of every day, not only did their words say “I love you” but they learned from their actions and didn’t make the same mistakes over and over and over again.  If you don’t change your actions…are you saying “I love you” or are you just saying “I hear you, but I’m not changing because you are not worth it”  – believe me, I’ve had enough couseling, read enough books to know the signs!

I am just not sure how I feel anymore about love I guess.  I wish God would wave a magic wand and make life clear to me.  I think I am fine in every area but this one.  And, I am not sure why.  Maybe it’s because I have expectations that can never be met, maybe it’s because I am too demanding and want something that truly doesn’t exist.  Maybe it’s because I envision a life – a truly unobtainable, unrealistic life.  What do you think about love?

People often tell me that life changes, situations change, but if that is so, shouldn’t couples rejoice with one another and want to share every moment with them, instead of rejoicing on their own?  Shouldn’t a couple share moments of joy and sadness, shouldn’t they be INCLUDED in each other’s lives, not excluded, therefore bringing them closer together?  Or is it standard practice to just “grow apart”?  If that’s the case, I don’t want to be a part of a relationship where you live separate lives, but sleep under the same roof…what’s the point?

I totally understand the movie Fireproof, and have been where Kirk Cameron’s character is.  Truly sorry for trampling on someone’s feelings with words and actions, I truly understand wanting to change and feeling like you are working towards something TOGETHER…not living separately.  And I have done my dardest not to make those mistakes again…although it isn’t hard when you really love someone… Additionally,  I truly see Katherine’s point, of feeling like something is more important than her, feeling like she is on her own to figure and handle her own issues and life.  How do you handle it all when you are supposed to “in a relationship” as facebook states?

Then, I take a look at how huge my heart is, how much love I have to offer, how I try to show it every day, how I wear my heart on my sleeve and try to really show that love to everyone, I read the books, go to couseling, think about CONSTANTLY “did what I just do maybe hurt someone”…not just my family, but my friends, co-workers, clients…and I listen to God and talk to God and pray to God and sing to God and  and think… maybe I’m not the one who doesn’t know how to truly show love.

All I know, is I believe in a love that can last a lifetime.  I believe somehow, someway, I can be in a Fireproof relationship.  One thing that truly stands out from that movie is this “you never leave your partner, especially when it gets too hot.”  That’s the kind of love where I place my hope and faith.