When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to be older to have a mind of my own and to be able to think what I wanted to think, say what I wanted to say, and enjoy things I wanted to enjoy.  I came from a a family who you had to believe what they did, see things like they did, believe what they did that it didnt occur to me to have a single thought of my own, until I finally took the steps to be out on my own.  then, I did it again.  I married who wanted me to see, think, say, believe and enjoy all the things they did. 

When I was younger I used to write songs and poetry about what I believed, how I felt, and explored my way of being me.  I kept it all under my bed in a huge box and didn’t let anyone in because I knew what I had written, or wanted to sing would not be what everyone else wanted to hear. Now that I am older I’ve had a couple of times when I cam out of my shell and believed what I wanted to believe and shared what I wanted to share.  No, it’s not like what anyone else may think or share but it is my thoughts, feelings and I guess they stem from what I’ve experienced.  Not what anyone else has, and I guess in a way, made me who I think I am today. Over the past couple of years, I have been made to feel I am possibly broken.  What I feel is wrong, what I think is wrong, and what I am trying to promote or to obtain is wrong.  I am beginning to wonder what is so broken about me.  I try so hard to be kind, caring, say nice things at all times, to be funny, to smile, to laugh…sometimes I wonder if its because I truly didn’t deal with all my depression last year. Sometimes I wonder if it’s becasue people see me as half a person and I could be better if I parented like them, liked sports like them, talked like them, dressed like them, watched every TV show that only they liked. But isn’t what makes us all special and unique our own personality and characteristics, our own personal style and flaire of doing something? I don’t want to become a clone of what everyone else on earth is…and it would be nice if people would recognize that I am a good, honest, loyal, trustworthy, funny, comical, relgious, strive to be better and better every day kind of person.
I have accomplished a lot in my life. I’ve been a single mom for 17 years and while she isn’t perfect, she is pretty darn wonderful…I’ve never had a teacher or other adult tell me what needs to be improved about her…I’ve dug myself out of a financial hole over the past year – thanks to a GREAT friend with WONDERFUL connections – I’ve gone from working in a doctor’s office to being a right-hand to someone who see’s me for who I am and thinks I’m pretty worthwhile. I have some great friends who offer such different and unique perspectives to life and who all have qualities that I admire, cherish, stive to have myself and yes, sometimes, I really don’t like some of their qualities, but it makes us all unique and special, and in the long run, I feels that is very important.
I’ve always told Olivia to be herself. To love who she is. Because if you don’t love yourself – who else will. I should practice what I preach, and I should truly understand that sometimes you tell people what frightens you or concerns you and the bottom line is that – they either don’t want to help you through it, or they truly don’t know how.
I certainly don’t want anyone to change who they really are, but I think one thing I have learned from my boss is everyone can live up to their full potential. Everyone has the capability inside them to improve, to be better, to obtain the stars if you just reach out and try a little harder, improve where you can improve – try not to hurt anyone along the way and if you do, don’t make an excuse for what you did, or why you did it. Just say you’re sorry, mean you’re sorry and learn from the experience. Sometimes I think I have spent way too many hours apoligizing for who I am and how I am and I don’t take the time to enjoy my own life. I guess I too let outside influences come into my brain and the wheels start churning and I start going down a locomotion of self doubt, lack self worth and come to the conclusion that somehow I am broken. How do you stop the train of pain? How do you stop the train of doubt? I find that I pray a lot and I think of my friends who have truly touched my heart along the way and I realize God doesn’t make mistakes and He loves me.

I admit, I may not be the smartest mother, the best mother, the most wonderful daughter, the best sister, the most wonderful employee, the star of the play, the most beautiful in a pagent, the most artistic, the best singer…but I have some wonderful qualities…the unique ability to pay close attention when people are talking, I’m always willing to lend an ear when someone needs to talk, I drop my plans at a moments notice to be where I need to be if someone needs me, I take on my friends’ problems and try to offer advice and be of help…I am dependable at my job, loyal to my employers, I pray for anyone who asks me to the moment they ask…I remember my co-workers and their families in my thoughts and prayers, along with my neighbors and strangers…I appreciate the sunrises and rejoice in the sunsets…I love to the depth of my soul and when I am not with my friends I miss them dearly – when I look at all that – does that seem like a person who is broken?