Yesterday I tried to write several times, but first, nothing came to mind, and then, I realized it didn’t matter what I was putting to paper anyway…no one reads this…it truly doesn’t matter.  It’s for me to sort out my head…my to think my own thoughts outloud…yesterday, I spent a lot of time reflecting on life, and all my mistakes and all the things mom, my ex-husband, other significant people in my life say and I realized, I am not who I thought I was.

Not that I thought I was something special, believe me, I know I am not.  I look in the mirror and I still see that fat, glasses wearing, poodle haired, freak I always was during high school.  I realize this world will love and accept you for not who you are, but who they can change you into.  I used to think with all my special talents, and love for kids, animals, friends, family, stranger on the street, I would have something to offer.  I thought with all the self-help books I’ve read over the years, I had insight and wisdom which could maybe help someone along the way. 

I used to think voicing your fears and anxieties to those around you who said they loved you would be a healing process because you could brainstorm and come up with ideas to make progress.  Now I realize it makes you a target of being overly negative and mean.  I used to think I was good.  Now I’m beginning to wonder…

My life is about ready to change.  For the GOOD…FINALLY…I have made the steps I wanted to take to become who I really am.  I am weeks away from having everything I love under one roof and knowing that I am truly not alone in this world.  Yet, I find myself still paddling a boat on my own.  I wonder if this is what God had planned for me.  I’ve always been paddling alone…when I was younger, in my first marriage, when Olivia had cancer…with finances…I panic.  I have anxiety.  I worry.  I wish there was a big sign that said, “hey you, you’re doing fine…this is the plan…you are not alone, for I am holding you”…sort of brings me to a song I fell in love with when Olivia was sick by Allison Krauss…”In the palm of your hand.”  Beautiful song…beautiful words….

“If I could have the world and all it owns A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones
If all the earth were mine to hold With wealth my only goal I’d spend my gold on selfish things Without the love that Your life brings Just a little bit more is all I’d need ‘Til life was torn from me If I should walk the streets no place to sleep No faith in promises You keep I’d have no way to buy my bread With a bottle for my bed But if I trust the One who died for me Who shed His blood to set me free If I live my life to trust in You Your grace will see me through I’d rather be in the palm of Your hand Though rich or poor I may be Faith can see right through the circumstance Sees the forest in spite of the trees If I could have the world and all it owns A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones If all the earth were mine to hold With wealth my only goal I’d spend my gold on selfish things Without the love that Your life brings Just a little bit more is all I’d need ‘Til life was torn from me I’d rather be in the palm of Your hand Though rich or poor I may be Faith can see right through the circumstance Sees the forest in spite of the trees Your grace provides for me If I should walk the streets no place to sleep No faith in promises You keep I’d have no way to buy my bread With a bottle for my bed But if I trust the One who died for me Who shed His blood to set me free If I live my life to trust in You Your grace will see me through I’d rather be in the palm of Your hand Though rich or poor I may be Faith can see right through the circumstance Sees the forest in spite of the trees If I could have the world If I could have the world and all it owns”

I need to remember these words…because when I am hardest on myself, when I truly have in my head that no one loves me for who I am…God does.  Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman “the bad stuff is easier to believe.”  However, he made me.  I’ve heard He makes no mistakes.  If that’s truly –  true why can’t anyone else see it?

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