I lost a friend today.  If you follow along I am sure you remember my friend who had a rough time because she married one person to make her family happy – when she was really truly in love with someone else.  The guilt, stress and lack of feeling wanted, I assume, finally got to her and she lost her struggle with depression, guilt, lack of feeling worthy, and the fact no one trusted her – and I certainly understand why – or at least I think I do.

 Guilt, which the dictionary describes as ‘an emotion that occurs when a person believes they have violated a moral standard” and not feeling they have been forgiven, which the dictionary is described as “’to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt’” I always told her she had been forgiven for her issues and her “sins” were neither greater or smaller than anyone else’s. 

 I would sit and truly listen to her feelings, try to validate her emotions and let her see she truly did have a friend in me and I loved her to the ends of the earth and would do anything to take her pain away.  While I tried my best to be a good friend, I believe what she actually needed was the love and acceptance of her parents, the acceptance of her one true love, and to feel she was actually part of a family, or at least made to feel she was something truly special, worthy of love. 

 Worthy – as it turns out – has two very powerful meanings “deserving: fully deserving something, usually as a suitable reward for merit or importance; and respectable: morally upright, good, and deserving respect.

I assume when all these emotions build up enough and you feel you are not being heard, or forgiven, or loved, you do begin to feel unworthy of everything good around you and I imagine it is a very dark place – a place where the sun doesn’t shine, the birds don’t sing and flowers can’t be smelled. 

I can hear her saying to people “you aren’t listening to me” and people around her just kept telling her “I understand your feelings but I am justified in what I do because…..”

I can hear her saying “when you did X, I felt Y” and those around her saying “well, if you hadn’t had done, A, B, C, I wouldn’t have done X and Y” and her truly feeling, so she said, “as usual, it’s all her fault, no one else ever has to pay consequences but me, because my faults are certainly larger than anyone else.”  Yep, sweetie, I understand that feeling too.

I watched as she desperately grasped for straws, trying to find her way back to who she was again.  I watched as she tried to not mention how sad she was to people, and to be happy under all circumstances.  I watched as she tried to understand why everyone could do “Z” yet when she did “Z” it was out of the question and her “emotional punishments” began.  I watched as she tried to be happy when she did accomplish a “good deed” in her mind and cried with her as she “failed.”

I will miss my friend every day for the rest of my life.  I will live every day wondering if there was more I could do, something else I could have said, another hug I could have shared, a bouquet of flowers I should have brought to her, a sappy chick flick I could have watched, an intention I stated I would have done, which I truly fulfilled. 

I wonder just how many people are walking around today feeling as she did.  I wonder how many people live a life of not ever feeling truly loved, truly accepted, truly worthy of the blessings they have around them.  I wonder how many people truly care about how their actions affect others, and would truly be sorry and would show that completely if they knew someone they loved today may not be here tomorrow because of their actions. 

I sometimes feel we are more of a world who is truly self-centered, and care only about our own feelings, and get wrapped up in how someone else’s actions effected us, instead of what WE did first to cause the other’s actions.  It’s a cause and affect thing here people.  Wake up, smell the coffee, pet a dog, share a hug, send the flowers, do something nice for someone without expecting something in return.  Go to a pet store and adopt a cat, or spend a little time at a nursing home with an elderly resident.  Listen to your loved ones and hear their prayers for love, for acceptance, truly forgive them for whatever you are holding them prisoner about…make someone feel worthy today.  Tomorrow could be too late.