I get bored easily.  Very easy.  If I am not busy 24/7 then my mind wanders and takes me to places I don’t need to be in.  Is anyone else like this?  And, like, I can go from happy to extremely sad in .02 second.  Any takers on that one?  If you follow along on my little blog, you will notice that yes, I do have struggles with being both happy and sad, and it seems like just when I am on a road to being happy for more than like 5 minutes, something comes along and BAM! hits me like a semi.  I am beginning to think the universe sees me pulling myself up and over a large hump of sad and decides, that’s not for me, and wants to continue the pull of gravity until I am so far under the muck I can’t breathe anymore.  I used to think I had good friends around who truly cared and would always be there and them BAM! here comes that semi of doom to prove me wrong.

My heart hurts.  It continues to hurt.  I keep reading and writing and feeling that it will heal, and the pieces that have been completely torn apart will hold together with the tape and glue I am using.  I keep wondering how many times can a heart be ripped and still be repaired.  Maybe it’s true, you can die from a broken heart.  If that is true, I wonder just how much longer I have on earth.  I lay in bed at night sometimes and just listen to it beat.  As long as I hear the beats then I know I still exist.

John Mayer may have said it best in his song, Gravity.

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I’ll never know what makes this (wo)man
With all the love that (her) his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain’t twice as good
And can’t sustain like a one half could
It’s wanting more
That’s gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is

Oh, yes, please keep me where the light is.  As long as I am in the light, I know there is hope, and where there is hope, there is faith, and where there is faith, there is will to strive forward and to continue to be…but I don’t want to just be.  I want to feel all the love, friendship, happiness that I hear about, that people tell me is there, that I am just not seeing – because if I was truly seeing and feeling all the love, would my heart still feel so broken?