Have you ever wondered if you are surrounded by totally perfect people that only admit their faults to themselves?  I truly believe I am.  It’s funny – probably just to me – but being a psychology major in college and currently reading several books about mistakes, failures, people rising up against all costs, and my own upbringing how I see fault within myself and others.  I am often told that I am WAY too hard on myself, yet, if I try to sing my own praises and start to feel good about me, I get set straight!  I often wonder, when I die, what will people truly say about me – and I guess we all do to an extent.  I see myself as kind, generous, warm-hearted, funny – and as I always say I want on my tombstone – I have great hair!  (Thanks Angie)

Over the past few months, as some of you know, some of you don’t, some of you know yet don’t really care – I have been suffering (should I use suffering) more like experiecing, depression.  It truly has been the hardest thing I have dealt with – seriously, here, not even Olivia’s cancer brought me down this far.  Part of it has been struggling with who I really am, and what I need for me, and being a constant “people pleaser” it’s often difficult for me to express my negative feelings and to tell others when their actions truly hurt me – yet the couselor says to do so, so I do!  I would say the difficulty expressing myself comes from being a survivor of child abuse, following that pattern to be in an abusive marriage.  In my experience, constantly hiding how you truly feel leads to conflicting emotions, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and feeling like a failure to everyone, most importantly, to myself. 

It has also been my experience, that no one wants to be around you as you are dealing with all these emotions.  It’s like everyone believes you have a problem and need to deal with it, but the true help – it’s not there.  If your “issue” is cancer, parkinson’s, alzheimers, multiple sclerosis, or (sometimes) a broken bone, recent surgery – sure everyone is there to offer up hope, meals, cleaning, etc.  I guess the issues of “mental” scare people away and instead of helping you work through your difficulties, they walk away from you and don’t understand why you can’t see “the forest for all the trees”, “stop to smell the roses”, seeing the “glass as half full, not empty”.  And…they don’t understand why you can’t just STOP the negativity.

It has also been my experience (thank you Chris and Tricia) that the ones you don’t expect to be there ARE!  The girl I sit next to at work is one of the most compassionate, special women I think I have ever met.  She is the ying to my yang and helps keep me grounded – doles out tissues, and the occasional chocolate, blueberry muffins, pretzels….    Chris, touched my heart beyond words, when he read my blog, checked out my facebook and offered whatever needed to be done – done – during my trying times.  WOW!

It has also been my experience, as I read, write, observe – that I am my own best and worst enemy.  I have all the tools, resources, and mental capacities to pull me out of my slump, yet it’s hard.  Siometimes like when you are sick, you want someone to ignore the germs, nasty surgery scar, bone sticking out and bring you a cold beverage or a popcicle.  It’s the same when your heart hurts.  You truly want someone to offer that tissue, shoulder to cry on, cook a meal, surprise you by taking you on a walk, stay the night with you for no reason other then they want to be with you and even if you don’t talk about your problem, you know they are there.

My most recent observation has been – everyone wants me to be happy – maybe it is because they don’t like to see me down, but I truly believe the real reason is because they don’t know how to DEAL. It’s okay though.  I do have the tools, the resources, the books, the music, the movies, the comics, the jokes, and I see a HUGE light at the end of my tunnel.  I am alive, I am ticking, I am walking (sort of, LOL), and the fact that I hurt proves to me I am an emotionally functional human being. 

I don’t know how many people I have seen in my similar situation that I try to cheer up, hug, offer my support.  It makes you feel good to know you have made a difference to someone and put your own feelings aside – I know, in my case, the best thing I do is offer myself to those in need – and if anyone learns one thing from me, and has one thing to say about me, I would hope it would be that through it all, I was a very strong, humerous in times of strife, thankful for all her blessings, kind of girl.

 

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