Do you ever wonder that – why are you here or why you have the emotions you do?  Like  why am I happy, sad, mad, glad, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, frightened, excited?  All those emotions God gave us and we should fully experience them and express them.  I remember as a child, when I would get anything but “happy” mom would immediately suggest eating something because it would “make me feel better”…most recently, when I get anything but “happy” I am met with “it’ll get better”, “think positive” all those previously mentioned excuses and cliches we say to make one feel better.  Yet when people I know and love are anything but happy they have the freedom to drink, smoke, shop, go out, buy frivolous items etc…and when I see this, I am again, anything but happy!  I often – and have for many moons – wondered why I am here.  I feel that I spent my childhood living in the shadow of an older “perfect” sister, I spent my marriage trying to live up to a dead mother-in-law and other expectations no human could ever meet, I spent my daughter’s cancer years trying to figure out how to be a single mom of a child with an illness, a working mom, going to church and trying to teach Sunday school and a choir…not until I took the steps to figure WHY I wanted what I wanted for me did I truly come to terms with why I am here – and I am still unsure I fully comprehend WHY.    I daily wonder why I am here.  I daily fail at living up to others expectations, frequently fail at being the perfect daughter, mother, lover, friend, employee…I used to believe I was a loving, caring, willing to do anything for anyone type of gal.  And deep down, I still believe that.  If I hold you close to my heart and call you “friend” I truly mean that.  Why I mean that is because my grandpa taught me that we are all human, we all fall short of the glory of God and we all need a little encouragment now and then.  He taught me we are here to love one another, to give a smile, a friendly word, a prayer to lift our fellow brother up.  Over the past 44 years, I have truly tried to do this, and truly felt I made a small difference to a few…I know with my daughter I have teachers, and school faculty consistently tell me she is a wonderful child and a pleasure to be around (really?, just kidding, she is one of my favorite people to be around), when I go to work, I frequently have people telling me I make them laugh, or I am good for their ego, or that I do a good job and they are happy to be working with me.    My neighbors tell me I am sweet and I make them laugh and they enjoy my desserts and crafts…I recently lost the why of who I am and why I am here.  I recently almost lost myself because I wanted to please everyone and forgot I can be true to myself – that I do have a life and that I can live it!  So, on the journey to figure out why I am here, I  made a few mistakes, met a few people who I thought were “friends” or “family” only to discover that I wasn’t in their life to enhance my life but to enhance theirs because again, they thought the WHY I am here was to be their servant, and to fulfill their wishes of what they wanted.  Again, I forgot WHY I am here.  I am here because God loves me and God needed a cheerleader, an encourager, a believer in the good of others, to tell a theatre student they can be the lead in a play, to tell a friend they are the love of their spouse’s life, to tell a stay at home mom that she is doing a great job and she does deserve time alone, to tell someone who has been married for 30 years they inspire me to have true love and constant companion, to write to someone I know with cancer and to be an encourager of their illness and spirit, to be a smile and a door holder to an elderly person and listen to their story in an elevator, to thank a waitress for her service, to tell a client at work they are in good hands because it’s our job to defend them, to be the best mom I know I am and to be my daughter’s NUMBER ONE supporter, encourager, shoulder to cry on, and to laugh at her ipod photos and to enjoy her friends while they are here….live is so short and so precious…there is sadness, there are questions as to why we are all here…there are so many WHY’s as to why I am here…and I seem to have lost the reasons for a very long time.  But I am finding them again, I am hearing them again, I am listening to the why’s, I appreciate the why’s…I need the why’s…I think if we quit wondering why we are here we may no longer have a purpose.

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