That’s a completely loaded question.  I am many places;  mentally I am HERE and physically I am THERE.  How to bring the two together.  I have been in counseling, and I am not ashamed of that fact for a total of 8 years roughly.  I experienced some pretty emotional issues as a child; one will not be disclosed, but probably led to the fact that I have an eating disorder (been fighting that one since 15), lived in the shadow of an older sister for too long (and probably still do), have tried to please everyone (I mean, seriously, Teresa, what would the neighbors/your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins think?) and tried to live up to my ex-husband’s expectations (seriously, you want to do that with your life, you are a horrible parent, you don’t look very nice, you need to lose weight, can you grow your hair longer, can you cook differently?, can you clean more, can you cut the grass, but not that way, can you learn spansih, can you grow a plant, can you, can you, can you).  Life is full of physical, mental challenges that eventually wear us down.  Mentally, I am HERE.  Where is here?  Here is exhaustion, here is loneliness, here is loving myself for who I discovered I am, here is happy, here is sad, here is reliving every mistake and every minute detail of every aspect of my life to which I tried to please, longed to hear a “thank you” , “that was awesome”, “what a wonderful job you did”, “you’re a great mom-daughter-wife-sister-lover-friend” only to met with”well, what you could have done to make it better, brighter, lovlier, tastier, prettier, shorter, longer, taller, skinnier, thinner, happier…etc”…here is an exhausted place where I wonder if others feel the same but are afraid to admit it.  I wonder if back in the 1920’s, ’30’s, ’40’s or ’50’s women gathered around the tables with their iced tea and pearl necklaces and talked about what expectations were placed on them and how they never measured up – and thus, the start of the women’s movement!  I remember as a child seeing my mom gather outside with the other women of the neighborhood drinking out of tupperware glasses and enjoying one another’s company.  Now, with women in the workforce we are scheduling times with best friends and having to cancel because of the demands of motherhood, wifedome, PTA’s, being a professional and other demands of life.  I know when I was a teen and into my early 20’s I could call my best friend and we could meet for a movie, or dinner and shopping.  Now, after months of scheduling one night out, we cancel, reschedule, cut the evening short,  etc.  I know people will read this and say that I am whining – but what I am really longing for is true companionship with other people like me…working, single mom’s who want friendship – I long for the simpler times of ice cream socials and quilt making!  I wonder if others long for the same thing, or if we have become a society of only caring about “what I want for me” or if – and I have recently been told “not everyone is like you” – if other people truly long for simpler times, true friendships and genuine caring of others.  Mentally, I am here…truly exhausted of living up to other’s expectations and, in their eyes – failing, happy with who I am and who I am becoming and what I have accomplished.  If you heard my complete life story, you would truly know how awesome it is that I am walking, talking, somewhat funtional professional woman.  If you heard my life story you would understand why I tried so hard to live up to others expectations and why I have raised my daughter the way I have – to believe in herself, to try to understand others, to love unconditionally.  If you heard my life story – if you walked in my shoes for 44 years, you would understand why NOW is the time that I truly have to love me, accept me, undertand me – physically I am THERE.  I love me.  I understand me.  I am faithful to me.  I am honest with me.  I have been HERE, but now I comprehend why I need to be THERE.  For my sanity, for my child, for the ones I love, for my friends, but mainly, and most importantly…for me.

 

Advertisements